Stop Staring
by TKR.87
Summary: First time write. I ship A/O. It started with a stare (more like ogling). How much would Liv let Alex in? Would they find happiness, together? Who knows. Warning - Story deals with self-harm, please be aware of content which may be triggering
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I don't own the Characters. Those right are reserved for Dick Wolf etc. I just ship A/O.**

**Note 1: This is my first write here, so go easy on me.**

**Olivia's POV**

I stood there, not daring to move an inch to the left or the right, forward or backward, not sure I had enough will power not to jump up and run over to the blonde haired, blue eyed woman leaning against the door frame, head tilted downwards as she peeked over the top of her black rimmed glasses, a sly smile on her lips.

_"God she's beautiful"_ came the first thought

"_Those legs and that arse"_ crept the second.

I blinked, almost willing myself to snap out of the trance I was unaware I'd slipped into. I started to realise I wasn't just staring, but ogling. Me, ogling at Alex?!

Powerful, totally dedicated to the job, stand up straight amazing, and beautiful. That was Alex.

I don't know why I had the tendency to think so much whenever I saw her, heard her, there was something about this woman, that had me hooked.

Assistant District Attorney, Alexandra Cabot was something I'd never seen before, and here she stood, wearing exactly what I saw her in every single day, looking ten times hotter than usual. Her shirt was smooth over her abs, and she'd left the first 3 or so buttons undone, just enough to show a bit of cleavage, and there I was staring, open mouthed at every inch of her.

"Hey" she said, there wasn't anything particularly amazing about that one word, nor how it was said, but it made me suddenly jolt my mouth shut and I managed a barely audible "Hi".

It almost startled me when she began to giggle, a gentle but mischievous sound, so unlike her.

"What?" I said platonically, trying to sound unfazed, but with a slight smile wanting to creep onto my lips.

* * *

**Alex's POV**

I leaned against the door frame, watching her stare intently at me.

She'd stopped about 2 feet away from me, dropping her chin. I watched her eyes creep up from my feet to somewhere around my middle. I felt myself blush, and allowed a slight smile to curl the corners of my lips.

I didn't quite know what to make of the woman in front of me. I'd known her for a couple of months now, we'd adjusted to life as work colleagues, and sometimes I'd almost think we were friends. But I could never really gaze what we were. Olivia was so emotionless at times, not in a bad way, she was just strong, she had a passion and a need to strive and help others but her own walls were always so perfectly in place.

So I was almost amazed at her stupor, and I was intrigued, to say the least, I mean, who wouldn't be? Here's this stand up, no nonsense, independent detective lost for words, and ogling. Yes, Ogling. Detective Olivia Benson was ogling me.

It was then that I realised I'd better break her from this trance, and quickly.

She blinked, almost forcefully and I thought I'd test the waters.

"Hey" escaped my lips, unsure of how it would sound…I wanted to say something witty but my mind had shut down and it was all I could manage.

I saw her jolt quickly, and close her mouth. She'd been a bit lost for a minute there and I felt myself blush again. God knows why, it's not as if she'd seen anything remotely interesting. I was only wearing my usual office wear, okay granted, it was a bit warm out and I had undone a couple of buttons, purely because I was hot but part of me wanted to see what she'd do.

I don't know if I expected this.

She almost whispered back "Hi" and something about the awkwardness and half brained attempt to sound like she hadn't been staring made me laugh

**This is just the beginning. So let me know what you think...(Leave a review)**


	2. Chapter 1- Part 2

**Note: I wasn't going to write another chapter today, but I'm running on nothing. Sleep was non existent last night, and try as I did to rest today, my head was going crazy with thoughts, ideas, and I need to find something to do. So I thought I'd add another part to it. **

**Olivia's POV**

She's still giggling, and I see myself being drawn further and further into this world. What world, I hear you ask? But I don't understand it myself so explaining it would just be ridiculously pointless.

But she's giggling in a way I never thought possible, it's so gentle, so calm and fearless yet it's mesmerizing and the way her shoulders shake and her eyes go glossy, it's breathtaking.

I'm rapidly finding myself trying not to laugh out loud too at the whole situation. I mean, here we are, her in the doorway of the bull pen of the 1-6 and me just standing here, slowly processing what's happening without even realising she's moving towards me.

I just keep gazing at her, the way she's still giggling behind herself, and I hear her sigh, and say "You".

"Me?" I ask, "What's so funny about me Alexandra Cabot?"

I'm finding it hard to know where to look, if I look at her, I see myself being hypnotized by those beautiful eyes, but looking at the ground seems so rude, and anywhere else, I feel my body tensing at the sight of her skin, and it's those legs. Like they don't stop, and my head starts analyzing her body, where those legs lead to but then I realise I wanted to know the answer to the question, so I force myself to look ahead, but I realise she's standing right in front of me. I feel my legs wobble and I sit down in the chair, almost missing as I do and she starts giggling again. This time I feel my body relax and I smile.

"The way you don't even realise what you're doing" she says and I look up, frowning and looking completely puzzled.

"Doing what?" I say and realise I know the answer…staring duh?

"That" she says, "Looking at me, like that. All weird and…" she stops and frowns, then turns her head away… "Ogling" she almost whispers.

* * *

**Alex's POV**

I was still laughing, it was so strange, this feeling I had inside, like knots in my stomach, not tense, but I could feel the air starting to warm up, and my body was beginning to command itself without my brain following.

"What?" she says, and I see she wants to laugh to, at the whole awkwardness and total weirdness of the entire situation.

I only came down to see if they had any more evidence that would help me with the latest case. I don't think I really thought about the time, it was nearing 8pm, and way too late to still be thinking about work, but I never could rest until I had everything I could for the day. Which leads us back here, and this total strange thing that's happening.

I can't work out why she's looking at me, but I knew the knots in my stomach were more than just nerves, there was this total vibe and muscle binding spasm in me that I knew was down to the way I caught Olivia looking at me like I was a steak she wanted to dive into.

I step a little closer, unsure, thinking and still moving.

"You" I sigh almost without realising

Her eyes dart up and I see something, hurt, or just resistance. Olivia and those walls, I wish she'd just let herself realise it's okay to feel, not be robotic and so distant all the time. But then I realise, that's what makes her so, different.

"Me" she says "What's so funny about me Alexandra Cabot", I tense at the sound of my full name but I'm enjoying myself too much to really care.

I see Olivia, trying to cover herself, by focusing on anything but me, but when I reach her, she sits, almost abruptly, nearly missing the chair. That starts me off again and once again I'm laughing. I see her smile and think _"How pretty she is when she smiles"_, and then I realise I hadn't answered her question.

I shift myself slightly and wonder if what I'm going to say is a good thing or not. I don't know what's happening here, this isn't like us, but I realise, I like it.

"The way you don't even realise what you're doing?" I say, almost continuing with a exasperated sigh but I stop myself. I realise it's now or never. I've got to take the plunge, I feel it, and she must know it too, she must feel this new awkwardness. But she just looks confused, and says "Doing what?".

Really, is she unaware of how her mouth was just hanging open as I came to the door, did she not realise how she was making me feel all tingly, and just so not how I usually feel. I take the plunge, and say "That, looking at me, like that", I'm feeling a bit nervous now, but I've started and I'd be screwed if I didn't continue "All weird and…"

I feel myself blush and turn away so she can't see, and I whisper "Ogling".

I lean forward and put my hand onto the desk to steady myself, my fingers touch something soft and then a jerk beneath brings me back, and I realise I'd just laid my hand on top of Olivia's, and she's moving, quicker than I want her to, past me and towards the lifts.

**Why does Olivia feel the need to build such high walls? You know, my walls are not too high you couldn't leave a review you know. Hint Hint.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Note: I know, I know, I'm updating this quicker than I intended, but I want you to have something to go off. I know people are reading, or at least clicking on this piece. So I've got loads of ideas and I don't know if I'll settle till I write more. But keep reading…it will get better.**

**Olivia's POV**

I felt her hand brush mine, and I know it was accidental, I know it meant nothing in that moment. But the electricity was just instant that it startled me, and I realised. I shouldn't be doing this. It's Alex, the same Alex that gets in a huff when we don't give her enough evidence for a warrant, the same Alex that snaps when she's tired and the cases are not making sense. But then I realise, she's also the Alex that drifts into my thoughts when I'm doing nothing.

I can't keep my control when she's this close to me, I can feel her breath and then her hand and it's all just too much, the realness of what I'm feeling but what is this feeling. I have to get away, I jerk my hand from the table and rush past her, hoping she doesn't follow. Just hoping I can get away before she realises that I'm running.

"Olivia" I hear her say, calmly, just my name and my heart beats faster, I keep walking and I hear her heels clicking after me.

"Not now Alex" I huff and stop as I reach the lift, there's nowhere to go now and I realise I don't want to go home, just to pace around my apartment and then come back here tomorrow.

I turn to run back to the crib, not even sure what I'm doing…my head is pounding, my heart is almost screaming out of my chest and then she's there, again, in front of me

"Liv?" she says quietly, a questioning tone that just hits at all the wrong places but feels so right. The worry in her voice is so evident and I barely notice that she's called me "Liv", it feels natural for Elliot, Munch, Fin and Cragen to use that name, but Alex, it just slips off like it's something beautiful. Like a name I've never heard but instantly love. It's friendly and endearing and I'm stuck here now, really not sure what to do, what to say but I feel the air between us, the tension, the fireworks that are silently exploding around us.

"Liv?" she questions, and I hear it more now, that worry, it's not something I thought Alex would do, be worried about me, for me. But I just stand there, looking at her, just completely stuck and completely unsure of everything inside and here.

I know I can feel myself starting to shake, and the stinging in my eyes is so strong, I'm struggling to hold it in, but I don't know what's there that's gonna come out.

"Hey", I hear her and she's so calm, so soft in her words. She reaches out to lay her hand on my arm but I step back and I feel a tear sliding down my cheek. I can't do this now, here, with her, I have to get away so I let my legs run towards the crib. I open the door and the tears are in full flow, I let the door close and I sit on the bottom bunk and bury my head in my hands.

* * *

**Alex's POV**

She gets up, and runs past me. I don't know what just happened, but I felt the buzz as our skin comes together, and I know something's not right. I was just as embarrassed about all this staring and unsaid tension but the contact was so slight, I wouldn't have noticed if Olivia hadn't have moved so quickly.

She's heading to the lift and I'm getting really confused. My breath is fast and I want to make sense if the minutes before me and I don't know whether to go after her or let her be. She's so hard to understand sometimes, and I know we argue, we fight and it's the work mostly. But there's some weird vibe whenever we are in close proximity, and she was staring, not me. I thought some light banter and teasing would be fun, I didn't expect it to be like this.

I make a quick decision to follow, calling "Olivia" after her, I try not to shout as if to startle her, I just want to find out what's wrong. But I hear her "Not now Alex" she huffs and I feel kind of hurt but she stops and I realise, she's got to wait for the lift right, so she can't ignore me completely.

But I don't expect her to turn round, yet she does and I tense up, wondering what happens now.

"Liv?" I question, ever so quietly, scared she might jump, or run, or something…

She just looks at me, and I realise I used her nickname, almost without thinking…I'd never addressed her so warmly and realise, I like the sound of it on my lips, but now's not the time, and I'm starting to really worry.

"Liv?" I try again, hoping she'll say something, do something, not shut me out but I know it's a long shot. She looks so lost, and I think she might cry. I don't know if Olivia cried, she always seemed so strong, but here, I know it's taking all she has, and I see her tremble.

"Hey" I say, soothingly , reaching out to lay my hand on her arm, but she moves and I hear myself swear in my head, that's what made her run, that touching thing, and here she is running again, past me and towards the crib. I hear the tangled sobs coming once she was inside, and my heart screams for me to go and comfort her but I know it's not the thing to do. I think about scribbling a note but I know she'll stay here now, and I don't want to risk one of the guys seeing it before her.

I press the button of the lift and as the doors open, I step inside, tears trickling down my cheeks. Whatever this is, that was, she needs space.

**Okay, I know, I know. I'm being really slow with every scene but I wanted to get it across. The softness of Alex and the strength that Olivia tries to hide behind. I really would like just one review, I'm not begging. :)**


	4. Chapter 3

**Wow, I can't believe how many views this has and Thank you so much for the reviews too. I'm glad you like the way I decided to do this, I wasn't sure about having every scene reduplicated from both points of view but it seems to be working. (Remember I'm from England so I use English spelling but I am trying to use some American words as well, being from there point of view and the streets just confuse me, so bare with me there and any help would be appreciated)**

**I'm bringing in other characters, and other points of view, and they won't all be duplicates of the same moment. That will only happen when Alex and Olivia are together in a scene.**

**Olivia's POV**

I awake to the sound of my cell ringing, it takes me a minute to realise where I am. The Crib? Then it all comes back, Alex, and how ridiculous I was, how rude I was to her, when really I started this whole thing. I lean down and look at my cell, it's Elliot. And it's only 4.13am. I stifle and yawn and answer.

"Benson"

"Hey Liv, We got a case" I hear, and I'm grateful for some distraction

"Where?"

"East 39th"

"Okay. I'm at the precinct"

"Why?" I hear Elliot question and I really don't want to go in to it

"Don't El, Don't"

"Okay" he breathes and I hear the reluctance "I'll pick you up"

I end the call and swing my legs to the floor. Grateful for a distraction but knowing El won't let it drop easily. I go to the bathroom, fix my hair and splash water across my face. I realise how old I look when I'm tired and cringe at the sight. My thoughts drift to Alex and I know I've got to deal with it somehow. I thought about texting her after I'd stopped crying, but wasn't sure what I'd say, I wanted to apologise but I knew there'd be questions, and I wasn't ready to explain what was happening, for I didn't know.

I hear El calling "Liv?" and I walk into the squad room "You look like crap Liv" he acknowledges and I chuckle "Hello to you too El. Let's go" I say, quick to grab my jacket from the chair. Eager to get out and on to the job.

I settle in to the passenger seat and wish I was driving, for I'm still thinking overtime about my feelings for Alex and how I'm going to explain all this. I know I have to.

"What's up Liv?" I hear Elliot ask and I really don't want to explain to him before I understand, or before I've apologised to Alex.

"Not now El" I say, a little to exasperated.

"You okay though?" and I hear the general care in his voice. I nod and say "Yeah. Just tired" and hope he'll drop it.

We drive to the scene in silence but my head is still wondering how I'm going to apologise, what I'm going to say and what this really is.

* * *

**Elliot's POV**

I'm driving to our latest crime scene, and I know something's up with Olivia, she slept at the Precint, in the crib and that's normal when we've got a case, but it had all been wrapped up, there wasn't much else we could do yesterday, so we all went home, but Olivia said she was just going to tidy a few things before she went home, yet home was not where she went.

I hate it when she doesn't explain things to me, she just sounded distant, and looked so worn down, more than just tired, her eyes were puffy and I thought she might have been crying. Olivia is so tough but I know there's a lot more to her than that, she's defensive at times and hates her emotions.

"What's up Liv?" I have to ask, she's not said anything since we got in the car and even though she managed a laugh when I mentioned her appearance, it was merely just a way to get me to drop it.

We've been partners for 4 years now, and I'd consider her a friend, she's listened to me after arguments with Kathy, when my kids were in trouble, and I liked to think I'd be there for her but she was always putting these fences around herself, and getting in was never easy.

"Not now El" she answers, and I hear it in her voice, the tiredness of life and that snappy thing she does when she can't explain, when she wants me to be quiet. But now it worries me, usually that side comes out when we're tied up in a case that we can't break.

"You okay though?" I question, quietly but hoping the sincerity comes across, and hoping she'll say no and tell me what's up but hoping she really is okay.

She nods, tentatively and I know she isn't but I don't want to push her "Yeah, just tired" she says.

I hate these moments, when she's obviously got something on her mind but can't bring herself to tell me what, I want to tell her I know that's not it, and I know she isn't fine but Olivia won't open if she feels crowded.

We're nearly at the scene and she hasn't said anything else, I know she's thinking, even though I can't see her face, I see her hands clutched together, as if she's trying to squeeze something away.

**Hope this part's okay. I'm not sure what time this is set, but Elliot says he's been Liv's partner for 4 years, seeing as we don't know how long they were partners before season 1 began, I'm putting it at around season 3, as Alex has been there a few months now…time never was my strong point.**

**Anyway keep reading. **


	5. Chapter 4

**Firstly, I can't believe that this has as many views, and how many people are now following, it's so surreal, and it makes me feel more confident so Thank You. Thank you for the reviews, and I hope Liv lets Alex in too :) I don't want to drag it all out for too long but I want to get into their heads more, and let you see what they are thinking.**

**I'm trying to include the cases and crimes because we can't forget they do have jobs to do, but I want this to be about them as people, not just a detective and ADA, so I won't drag the case scenes on for too long.**

**Alex's POV**

I don't know how long I slept, but I awoke easily, that was about 10 minutes ago and I still haven't moved. My head's pounding, but it's eerily silent. I wanted to text Olivia as soon as I left but I didn't know what to say. I wanted to apologise but truthfully I wouldn't know why I was apologising. I'm confused as to what happened. I feel angry that I mentioned the fact that she was staring at me, I should have just asked about the case and left, I shouldn't have laughed at the way she was looking at me, but in the moment, what happened was electric.

I glance at my cell, hoping she text me but there's nothing, and I feel a mixture of relief and sadness, I know that lately she's been in my head, and I've managed to push it away, knowing it was wrong to miss her when she wasn't around, miss our fights, the way she'd always push for me to get a warrant when I didn't have enough to go on, the way I'd get annoyed because I wanted to help the victims as much as she did.

I notice it's nearing 7.30, and I still feel tired, and wish I didn't have to go to work, but I know I do, I've got paperwork that needs filing, and I've got to find out what else we've got on Cal Heaton, we're certain that he's our guy, all the evidence proves it, and he doesn't have an alibi for either of the two murders, but because Olivia and Elliot hadn't waited for me to get a warrant before they'd barged into his place, the bloody clothes they'd found have been thrown out of evidence. I sigh, wishing they'd listen when I tell them to wait, I wish they'd not be so heart driven, and actually think but I love that about them, I love that about Olivia, her dedication to the victims, to getting justice.

I throw the covers onto the floor and walk to the bathroom, I shower quickly, my head still pounding, and my heart heavy, I dry myself and hair, wishing the dryer wasn't so loud.

I throw on my standard pencil skirt and a cream blouse, carefully apply gloss to my lips and think about Olivia's lips on mine, I know it's wrong but these thoughts are constant and it scares me, I don't get what happened last night, why Olivia was so quick to run, but I hope she felt something too, and that she's as scared as I am.

I grab my jacket, keys and cell phone and head out to my car. I never thought I'd be one to drive, but it was a necessity to get from A to B, to work, to crime scenes, to the 1.6. I drive quicker than usual, just to get to work and throw myself into what needs to be done, so I can't think. I know I need to work this out, speak to Olivia but it terrifies me, to accept what this is, to find out if she feels the same, to let her in and be myself.

My Cell starts to ring as I park and I see that's Elliot, glad that it's not Olivia, I answer

"Cabot"

"Alex, It's Elliot. We've got another one" I hear through the phone

"Anything pointing to Cal?" I ask

"Liv seems to think so, same MO, same care in how she was positioned, same type, young, early 20's, blonde hair, and Melinda seems to think there's DNA too. I'll give you a ring when she gets back to us and you can get that warrant right?"

"If it's his DNA, it should be easy, but wait for the warrant this time!" I warn, realising how bitter I sound, "Sorry Elliot, I didn't mean to sound so bitchy, I've got a headache and I'm tired"

"It's okay. I'll give you a ring later" and with that the line goes dead.

I sigh heavily and head into my office. I lock the door and sit at my desk, hoping not to be disturbed for another half hour at least.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

We're waiting on Melinda with the DNA from the latest vic, we're hoping it's Cal's so we can put that son of a bitch away for good, but we need to get an ID for our victim. I hear Elliot on the phone, I know he's talking to Alex, and about the case, I wonder if she's okay, and whether she's thinking about me at all, but I realise that the thought is stupid, she probably thinks I'm a nutcase or something, running off like that.

I sigh as Elliot ends the call and I watch him rub his forehead, knowing she's probably reminded him to wait for the warrant before we barge in like last time. I know we were hasty and I feel angry at myself for not following protocol, but as soon as we stepped into his apartment, I noticed the bloody clothes by the washer, and I knew he'd wash them before we could get a warrant, and we needed that evidence. Now it had been removed from evidence, we needed something else.

"What's up EL?" I ask

"Her" he says, "She sounds pissed off at us, reminded us to wait for the warrant you know before we go and make it harder on her, but she didn't sound right, like you didn't earlier"

"She's probably angry at us" I say, "and me mostly" I add, and quickly regret it as Elliot looks at me questionably.

"So something happened between you two and it's eating you up, and probably her too. You're like a pair of teenagers sometimes, too afraid to let go and be yourself"

I'm shocked that he's been so forward, and that he's got it right to a point. I sigh as the phone rings.

"Benson" I answer

"Liv, It's Melinda. Come down"

"We're on our way" I answer, placing the receiver back and standing up. "Melinda's got something" I say to El, and we're through the door, and off to the morgue before he can continue our conversation about Alex.

"Tell her how you feel Liv" he says quietly and I look at him, aware of the annoyance in my features

"Okay, I'll drop it" he says " But tell her, Liv. Whatever it is, tell her"

I sigh, wondering why I can't just let myself open up, and I know it's because I'm scared, I've thought about Alex so much these past weeks, but I've never been one to let my guard down, and I don't even know what this feeling is. I'm straight, always have been, but no-one's made me feel like this.

I make a decision, and I know I'll regret it but I text Alex

_We need to talk. Lunch?_

"What you got for us?" I ask, as we enter the morgue, slipping my phone into my pocket, and turning to Melinda.

**Will Olivia really tell Alex the truth, and will Alex want her to? Wait and see. **


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer is on Chapter 1, stating that I don't own the characters. Though I wish I did, they're so good together, and they both need something better than what they're given. I.E: Trevor, Robert, that guy in Wisconsin when Alex is in WP, and Cassidy, etc etc. They'd have each other.**

**Thank you for your continued support with this. I have loads of ideas for what's to come, So keep reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me.**

**Alex's POV**

My cell vibrates indicating a text, when the ID reads 'Olivia Benson' my heart seems to catapult itself into flips and cartwheels.

_We need to talk. Lunch?_

My stomach seems to join in the acrobatics and I feel myself beginning to sweat. It's just lunch Alex, I tell myself, stop getting flustered. But I know it's the talking that's got me in this state. I tell myself to stop being so silly and type

_Sounds good. 12?_

Almost immediately my cell vibrates

_I'll pick you up._

I quickly type back _Okay_ and toss my phone to the couch. Work, I need to work, I say to myself.

I continue the filing and it keeps me busy for about 5 minutes before my head begins to wonder. What does she want to talk about, does she like me too, I know we're friends, sort of, but I don't really know her at all, just the way she takes Coffee, how she brushes her hair behind her ears, the fact that she always wears tight sweatshirts, blouses. Stop it, I warn myself, almost voicing aloud how ridiculous this is. But I don't know her. Nothing personal, that makes her who she is.

I continue the filing, my head wandering from Olivia to lunch and back to Olivia, like some sort of roundabout, and its making me dizzy.

Before I know it, the clock's showing a couple of minutes to 12 and there's a knocking on the door.

"Come in" I say quietly, my heart skipping a beat. Then she's there leaning against the door

"Hi" she says, her lips holding a kind smile, "Hey" I answer, returning the smile and grabbing my jacket.

We walk down the corridor in silence, and I'm so nervous, I can almost feel myself shaking.

"Where we heading?" I manage to ask

"The deli on 33rd street, it's quiet" she says as we reach her car. Quiet, I think, for talking, my hearts still in the middle of skipping and my stomach's feeling sick from the cartwheels. I breath in deeply as I get into the passenger side, and try and calm my nerves before she notices.

The radio's on quietly, playing some music I'm not familiar with.

"So about yesterday" I say hesitantly, my hands together in my lap.

"Forget it happened okay?" comes the reply, and my heart sinks. I was getting myself ready for it all, and I feel more nervous now because I can't forget, and this lunch is going to be really awkward.

**Olivia's POV**

"Forget it happened okay?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Why did I say that? I wonder to myself, and I know I shouldn't have said it, I was planning on being more forthcoming than this.

It was me that decided on lunch, that said we needed to talk and I was going through how I'd say it _"I like you Alex, I think you're a great person, your strong, independent, fierce and really sweet too, and I like you, really like you"_ but somehow I've just shut her down like I always do, it's just the way I am, a reflex, what I do when I'm scared, and I'm terrified.

"Yeah" I hear from beside me and it almost sounds like she's disappointed, and my heart jumps, like it's just been thrown a lifeline, does she like me too, really like me, as much as I like her, does she feel for me what I feel for her. I try and push it away, telling myself it's stupid, Alex is completely straight, I think, no, she is, of course she is and so am I, right? But this is weird, it's different to anything else I've ever felt. There's a tension in the air when we're near and I know, I know I like her, a lot but feelings scare me, I guess I'm afraid of rejection. Of being pushed away, but I'm also worried about letting people see me, that they'll run before I can explain.

I vow that I'll try and open myself up a little once we're in the deli, where there's other people, so I can't cry, I hate crying.

I pull up round the corner, and unbuckle the seatbelt. Walking round towards the car, I see Alex looking tense, and I feel awful for telling her we need to talk and then backing away like that. I wonder what she's thinking.

We find a booth in the far corner, and I say to Alex "What you fancy?"

"Just a salad I think, the bean one" she replies and I relax, maybe this will be okay, we're talking about normal things, so that's a start.

"I'll have a tuna salad sandwich I think, I'll go order", I get up and walk to the counter, as I look back, Alex is running her hand through her hair. I kick myself again for pushing for this and then backing away.

I will make it up to her, I have to.

**I know, I know. Don't hate me. But they'll get there, I'm sure of it. I just didn't want to make it easy, because it's not. Thanks and review, let me know what you're thinking. **


	7. Chapter 6

**Okay, so I am so pumped to get this going again, because I have an idea for a scene, and it's gonna take a bit of time to get to it, but I didn't sleep at all again, mainly because of my own thoughts about things but also because it sparked part of me I wanted to share through them.**

**Thank you for the continued support as I work my way into this and I hope you're enjoying reading as much as I am writing. I know I said that they scenes between Olivia and Alex would be duplicated from both points of view but I changed my mind because it would just be so repetitive, so there are some parts that overlap but not all.**

**Olivia's POV**

I'm kicking myself at being such a coward, because truthfully, I want to talk about what happened, just to make sense of what I feel but how she feels too. I sneak a glance at her sitting in the booth and she looks like she's thinking, and I know in that moment that she's scared too, I see it, in her actions, and I know what I need to do.

I bring the food to the table, and realise we never ordered drinks, "What did you want to drink?" I ask as I approach, sliding the tray on to the table, she jumps suddenly, and reaches out to my shoulder…

"God Liv, did you have to do that!?" she fumes, and again, I kick myself and attempt not to flinch at the content, and then kick myself again for being such an idiot

"Sorry" I grin sheepishly and really I am

"It's okay, what did you say?"

"What drink you want?"

"Coke please" she says, and I hurry to the counter again.

When I return to the table, Alex is pushing her salad around with a fork, resting her chin on her other hand

"What's up?" I ask, and she looks straight at me as I sit down and says matter of a fact "Us"

My heart stops, or at least it feels like it, I sigh, but before I can object or whatever I'm about to do, she hurries into this long winded speech

"Liv, I like you, like, really like you and I know you like me too. I feel it when were in the same room, when we're arguing like teenagers, and…" she stops and makes sure I'm listening which I am, while having a thousand other thought in my head "when we touch, there's a whole world of fireworks and electric shocks, and my heart jumps hoops, quite literally. Seriously Olivia, I like you more than I've ever like anyone and what this is, hell, I don't know but I like it, and I want it but you need to tell me what you're feeling too" she stops and sighs, and looks at me, with hope and wonder in her eyes, those blue eyes that I fall into every time they meet mine

"I'm scared" I whisper, not trusting myself at all

"Me too" she replies, and reaches towards my hand "Can I touch you?" she asks quietly and I smile, knowing this time, I won't pull away "You don't need to ask" I answer, this time, my eyes meeting hers.

**Alex's POV**

I don't know what gave me the confidence in those minutes, but I had to tell her and now I'm sitting here, my hand on hers, the sparks flying but neither of us moving. It feels light, my heart, and I know it's because I've finally said what I needed to and whatever happens. She knows, or at least knows some of what I'm feeling…I'm too scared to say I love her but I know I do, subconsciously.

She's scared, that's a sign, a good sign, because I know she feels it too and it wasn't just me misreading signals, but I'm scared too, and I'm not hesitant to tell her.

"I like you too Alex, a lot" she's saying, and I'm listening, not wanting to unsteady this comfortable position, although leaning forward like this, doesn't do anything to my posture but just the contact between us feels welcoming, she continues "I've felt it for a long time too, but it scares me because I don't know why I feel so close to you, why things happen whenever you're there, my heart…" and she stops, and I smile, trying to tell her she can continue but she doesn't, she just sighs and puts her other hand on mine.

We sit like this for a few minutes before I steady myself, knowing the lunch break is ending, and say, "Shall we continue this talk at mine, later?", she moves her hands quickly and I say without thinking "Don't run", she stops and looks at me and I see her shoulders relax and she says "I'll drop by after work".

And then she's left some cash for the meals, and gone before either of us can say anything else.

**Finally, some openness between them. I feel like breaking out a bottle of champagne, that they've finally admitted something to each other. Reviews are most certainly welcome, and I am certain another chapter will be up before the end of the day.**


	8. Chapter 7

**Still, the reviews are steady and the followers are growing, which really does help me so much when writing. It gives me an incentive, not just to write for myself but for others that actually enjoy what my half crazed brain thinks.**

**This is painstakingly slow, so I'm not dragging every minute of each day through these, that would be really frustrating, as it is anyway.**

**Olivia's POV**

Those two words, _"Don't run"_, they melt my heart and it's considerably more relaxed than its been for days. Getting that off my chest really was what I needed I muse, but then my thoughts are heading south again and I'm dreading dinner, I reason, and affirm, no, I'm looking forward to it. Maybe this is good.

I'm leaning against the two way mirror in the 1.6. Elliot's actually managed to get the warrant this time, we find a pair of sneakers with blood on them, and Melinda is testing them now, but I think we all know that he's guilty, and we can prove it. I sigh, running my hand through my hair and then smile remembering Alex doing the same gesture, but mines one of relaxation, and anticipation, where she was just nervous and a little scared…we're both scared but now's not the time, I warn…Work comes first. It always did, even before myself and I smile, maybe someone can take care of me finally.

Elliot comes storming out of the interview room, and I realise, I didn't actually hear any of what was said…but I try and focus my attention.

"He's a jerk" I say matter of a fact, and then my heads back where it was, until I hear Elliot saying

"And he has a big fluffy bear and monkey slippers…Liv, where are you in there?"

and I say "Eh?" as he laughs and says, "It's okay, we got him"

My head jolts back to the present immediately and I say, "Okay, so we need to tell Alex, and give her what we've got" I wish I could give her what I've got…._Liv_! I warn, trying to make myself snap out of it and focus…I feel my cheeks blush and hurry back to my desk before the bombardment of questions come flying, but they don't and I'm actually slightly peeved now.

The afternoon drags so slow, and when Elliot announces he's off home to Kathy, I jump and grab my jacket, before heading out the door. I'm nervous but I know I want this, and she does too, which makes me giddy, _She likes me, she likes me,_ I mutter.

Driving to the courthouse, was incredibly infuriating, and slow, god, was it slow…but here I am, about to knock onto the office of ADA Alexandra Cabot, as it opens and she smiles…"Hey you, let's go"

**Alex's POV**

We're heading to my apartment, and I'm like an excitable child going away on holiday, even though now I know where we going, it's what we'll do that's got me in this mess. Steady yourself there, Alex, it's just a chat, I chastise, knowing this is wrong but right on so many different levels.

I don't really think right then about what this means, and what it would mean if this happened, I just sigh content that I've let one thing out, and it's important.

"What you think about their, Al?" I hear from beside me, and I smile at the pet name, usually it's Alex, or Alexandra, but that's my Mum, only she calls me Alexandra, and my Dad did too, I try and smile, but my hearts heavy thinking about the man I miss so much.

"A lot" I muse, which is true.

She doesn't push and I'm thankful but I can feel her eyes on me, it doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I feel them all the same.

We pull up to my apartment, and I focus for a second, this is my place, I asked her here, so don't be all worried about where we are, just go with it. Whatever happens, it's out there, just there.

"After you" she says and smiles sweetly, I know this is going to be a loooong evening.

I fumble with my keys with fear and nervousness, and try and concentrate on _dinner, food, what do I want, her, no, to eat, her, no, I mean takeaway, here or at hers…."_STOP!" I shout, and realise I've said that aloud, and Olivia is standing right beside me.

"Hey" she whispers, "You okay", and I register, but it's all too much, I lean towards her and without thinking, my lips graze hers, a little unsure, but I relax as I feel the softness of her full lips, and she deepens it, placing a hand on my waist, I gasp for air, and whisper "Don't stop", she leans towards me and our lips meet, more hungrily this time, like this was meant to be…meant to be heaven.

**Olivia's POV**

I'm kissing Alex, actually kissing her, she kissed me, I reason, loving the sensations of her lips on mine…I moan and pull her closer, now both my hands on her waist, pulling her in.

My heads running a marathon but the thoughts are anything but what I'd want publically displayed, I want her, need her, and I feel a tightness in my stomach, making its way south, I know she shouted stop, and then said "Don't stop" and all the mixed signals are confusing me, but I know what I want, and she isn't objecting and I slide my hands up her body, tugging at her shirt…my hands wander under the cotton and my fingers meet warm, soft skin, delicate and so smooth. I break the kiss, needing air…

"wow" I breathe, untangling my hands from around her waist, I reach to undo a button, looking into those beautiful blue eyes, that I've felt watch me, that I've wanted to gaze into under the stars, I undo two buttons and then three, never taking my eyes from hers. But then I register something, in those eyes, they glaze and she blinks, and when they open, fear is the only thing they resemble…fear like I've never seen, and I stop, unsure of whether it's this, me, or what that's causing this panic in her.

She quickly looses eye contact and rushes into the bathroom, the door slamming behind her, I hear the water running, and as I approach, in the distant, I can hear half silent sobs. My heart breaks, and I rest against the door.

Woozy from the kiss, and a little, no more than that, a lot, of concern and worry. I lean, unsure of what to do.

Alex has never cried, not that I've ever seen.

**UH OH, Now what's wrong with Alex? You know you want to review, don't you…come on, did I tease you just a little bit there?**


	9. Chapter 8

**3 chapters in 1 day? Okay, I really wanted to leave you hanging, but at the same time, this part of the story has been bugging me since I started the first chapter, and it's quite heavy. I hope you aren't too disappointed at where I'm taking this. I'm getting into their heads quite a bit, so its intense at times. But anyways, I hope you enjoy.**

**Alex's POV**

I pull my legs up to my chest, as I sit in the bath tub. I don't care that I've left Olivia out there, in my living room, nor that I'm in here, trying to scrub myself of the imperfections. Every memory I have causes me to scrub my skin harder, like I'm trying to will away a part of me I want to forget, but I never forget.

The water is cold, ice cold, and it stings the skin like you wouldn't believe but it helps, it makes me feel calmer, it gives me some relief from all this inside, and I know it's not the same, but it helps a little.

I sink back, letting my legs flop down, and I'm still trying to scrub but I'm still here, and I haven't changed. The tears are flowing steady now. And I've given up listening to the pleas from the other side of the door

"Alex, Are you okay?", "Talk to me", "What's going on in there?",

all those questions, I don't want to answer,

"I'm sorry if I upset you"…

I chuckle at that, she didn't, she was so lovely, that kiss was so nice, but it's me and I self consciousness, my fear, the pent up anger and hate. The ugliness, that's the worst.

I turn off the water, its stopped helping and I flinch at the thought of a different, deeper pain, into my skin, but I can't, and I won't give in to those thoughts.

I sob, quietly, to myself, rubbing my skin with a towel as I stand in the mirror, with this reflection, looking at me. The ugliness makes me heave, and before I can figure out what to do, I'm retching over the sink, every time I look up, seeing this figure stare back at me.

I sink to the floor, I rock myself slowly, humming to myself as I do, just to keep up a constant drive.

Then I hear, "Alex, let me in. Please. You're starting to really worry me. I know you're crying" and that's when I stop.

I jump up, splashing water over my face, and rubbing away the tears. I pull my hair into a loose bun, and throw on the clothes I was wearing before I lost control. I force myself to smile.

I refuse to let Olivia see me cry. Alexandra Cabot does not cry.

I open the door, and I see the genuine concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine. Let's order Chinese" I say and she looks totally dumbfounded, she just nods and follows me to the couch.

**Olivia's POV**

She's been in there for what seems like forever. My head is consumed with all these irrational thoughts, but I don't know what's reality or just my imagination any more. This has been a whirlwind couple of days and it's hard to process. Me, running out over a simple touch, the reality of our emotions, and the opening of our hearts, the kiss and then Alex and whatever this is.

I've never heard her cry, ever. And I'm not surprised, work can be tough but even I don't cry in front of the guys, it just doesn't happen. But this isn't work, this is Alex and something is definitely wrong.

I don't want to pry but I'm terrified for her. I've tried calling and asking her what's wrong, but there's never been an answer. I'm seriously thinking about just going in, but I'm stopped by the fear of the unknown, again, that word, but really, we're just two people who happen to work together, who happen to have found a place in each other's lives, but I know not one thing about her. Not one.

"Alex, let me in. Please. You're starting to really worry me. I know you're crying", I just give in to my emotions right there, and brace myself to open the door, but she does it for me, and simply states

"I'm fine. Let's order Chinese" as if nothing happened.

We're sitting on the couch, in silence, she's curled up on one end and I'm perched on the other, willing myself not to get any closer. I don't know if she wants me to. I don't know if I should ask. I try and catch her attention without words, but she's staring into oblivion and I know her head is somewhere else. The doorbell rings, and she jumps, I see her shoulders trembling and my heart breaks to see this hidden pain.

"I'll get it" I offer, and she doesn't respond.

The delivery man hands me the food we've ordered and says "I'll add it to Miss Cabot's bill", and before I can ask, or reply, he's gone.

I shut the door and head back to the couch. Alex has got some plates and she's sitting on the sofa instead of curled up, and I hand her the food.

Silently, we eat, or I do and Alex takes tiny bites, pushing the rest around the plate. I know there is something wrong, and hell it scares me what, because this is a side of her, I have never even seen a glimpse of.

"Alex?" I say quietly, and she looks at me, I offer her a smile and say "You can talk to me, you know that, right?", she just looks at me, and I can't gage anything in her eyes. She just nods and looks back at her plate.

I don't want to push. So I just hope she finds something in herself to let me in.

I pick up my plate and she holds hers out to me, she's hardly touched it, but I take it, and out them on the countertops in the kitchen.

She's curled back into a ball and I sit down next to her, I reach to give her arm a rub, she begins to move, but then relaxes, as I sit beside her and gently rub my hand across her shoulder. I'm glad I've gotten this far, and she leans towards me and whispers.. "Can you hold me Liv?", I nod and she buries her head into my shoulder.

We sit like this for what seems like forever, but by the clock it's only about 10 minutes when she says…

"I didn't want you to see", and I look at her, questionably, and I see the worry in her face, the fear is back in those eyes

"See what Al?" I say, not sure where this heading but happy she's relaxing and letting me in, even if it's just a little

"Me" she whispers and with that she's gone, crying uncontrollably into my shoulder, like there's no tomorrow, like she hasn't cried in forever, "I d..didn't…want you…to s..see how…ugly I am" she manages through sobs, choking on her words, and my heart crumbles into a million pieces.

**Why does Alex think she's ugly? And how can Olivia help?**

**I really would love the reviews, and tell me what you think, it really is a big help.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Thank you so much to the member Sterober, the continued support and reviews mean so much to me. I wanted to dig deeper into the character of Alex, because we know quite a bit about Olivia, and what makes her the way she is, but with Alex, it's all such a secret, and we don't really know what makes her who she is.**

**This chapter explores that a little. But it's all from Olivia's point of view.**

**Olivia's POV**

"Oh Alex" I say quietly, "You're beautiful", I place my hand under her chin and lift her head, using my other hand I wipe the tears that are falling and reaffirm, "You're beautiful".

She looks at me, like I'm talking in another language, and she whispers "You wouldn't say that if you knew, if you saw", I'm amazed at how vulnerable she sounds but she's stopped crying. That scares me. The fact that she can just turn off the taps.

I stroke her cheek and say, "Nothing would make me change my mind". She moves away, and I wonder what I've said that's got this reaction, I'm being honest but it's like she can't see. This is a side of Alex I've never seen, it's so foreign to me, she's always so strong, and I know people call her the "Ice Queen" because she's all business and she's brilliant at her job, but this side of her, is so endearing, and frightening.

I realise we all have secrets, even Alex, and in time, I hope she can open up to me, really let me in.

"Why did you kiss me?" she whispers, almost as if she doesn't want me to hear.

"You kissed me, Alex" I say, realising how I'm backing it to her. She's composed herself, there aren't any more tears and she's not leaning on me anymore.

She sighs heavily, and asks "But why did you kiss me back?".

I need to be honest now, but I don't want to scare her, or make her push me away.

"Because I wanted to. Because it felt right. And I liked it, and I like you" I say, trying to explain.

"I was scared in the crib yesterday, I'm not used to my emotions like this, and you said you were scared too. Let me in Alex, and I'll let you in"

She sighs again and says, "I liked it too. It was nice and I wanted to. I wanted to go further, but…"

I see tears threatening to fall and I lean and pull her back to me. My hearts beating fast but we need to get past this if there's going to be any future for this.

She snuggles into me and says "Thank you"

"It's no problem Alex. I'm here for you if you'll let me be. You don't need to tell me anything unless you're ready. We don't need to do anything until you're sure. We can take it slow, just get to know each other",

It needed to be said. Because I want more than friendship, but I'm scared too. I want to see the softer side to Alex, and I like that she's not all that tough deep down. I never thought she was, I've always found her to coldness to be a barrier, like the walls I have around me. I know she has them too.

"Tell me about your Mother, Liv" she says and this catches me by surprise. This is what I'm scared of but I realise, this is her way of opening up, to get to know me, so she can open herself. It works both ways, and I can't ask her to tell me what's bothering her, if I don't let her in to my life.

I sigh, careful how to place my words but wanting to get it over and done with as quick as I can.

"My Mother was raped, and she had me. I'm the product of rape", I say. Alex looks at me and says,

"I'm sorry Liv"

"Don't be" I say, "She drinks all the time to forget, she looks at me, and remembers. I remind her of the worst day in her life. So she uses drink to forget"

"That must be really hard for you", and I nod

"It is, but there are good days, she tells me she loves me, and we get along", which is true.

My mother does love me, and I know that. It's not her fault and I accept it.

"Thank you for telling me" Alex says, and I hear her take a breath and say,

"My Dad died when I was 12"

"I'm sorry, were you close?" I ask

"Very. He was a lawyer, you know. He first brought me into a courtroom when I was 7. I knew then I wanted to go into Law. And as I got older, I knew I wanted to help people. My Dad told me I'd make a good prosecutor, and I believed him", she says.

I hear those last words, and I'm confused, because she's a brilliant prosecutor, does she not see that.

"You are. You're more than good, you're brilliant Alex"

She nods and says, "Maybe, but brilliant isn't enough for my Mother. I'm never good enough, I never have been. I'm too tall, too blonde. I lose cases, and I don't always get things right"

"Oh Alex. No-one does, but that's okay. Your Mother's wrong. You're you, and that is enough"

I feel her body tremble and I hear a quite sob, she rubs it away, ferociously and I hear her whisper "I don't cry"

Now I know why she puts on such a show in the courtroom, why she always strives to get justice. Why she's so blunt and to the point. Because she doesn't want to show weakness.

"Yes, you do" I say "and that's okay, because it makes us human. We can't always be strong, Alex. Heck, I hate crying but I have to sometimes because otherwise, it gets in the way. You're strong, and that's amazing, but crying doesn't make you weak"

She breaks down then, and I whisper "It's okay. Let it go. I've got you", she's shaking uncontrollably, letting it all go, and my heart is in my chest, I'm fighting my own tears, seeing her like this.

We sit like this for a while. The crying dies down, and I feel her breathing still to a steady rhythm. I realise she's fallen asleep. I sigh, and stroke her cheek.

I think tonight has been a breakthrough for us both. It was needed. But I know there's more that Alex needs to get out. She thinks she ugly and something else is the reason for that. It can't just be her Mother. I can't understand how her Mother can see her like that, but I do, because my Mother hates looking at me and I wonder, does her Mother resent her because she's too much like her father.

I glance at the clock. Shit, it's nearly midnight. We've both got work in the morning. I really don't want to leave her here. But I have to. I lift her from beside me and carry her to the bedroom. She's completely out of it, in a deep sleep, and doesn't stir. I lay her on top of the covers, and she looks so beautiful, it breaks me to know she doesn't see it herself.

I scribble and note and place it beside her bed on the night stand.

Leaving the door ajar, I let myself out of the apartment, and head home.

**I'll get to Alex in the next chapter. But Thank you. And please review, let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 10

**Just the fact that people are reading this brings my spirits up.**

**Yesterday was such a hectic and busy day, absolutely no time to write or get online. But I'm back, so another chapter coming.**

**Alex's POV**

I awake with a start, beads of sweat dripping from my skin but I feel cold. I wrap the duvet around me, and try and remember the night before. Kissing Olivia, oh I kissed Olivia, okay, that's okay. I touch my lips gently, a sigh. I remember crying, and it all comes back.

The tears threaten to fall, and I let them. Not caring. I'm still in work wear from the previous day and realise I must have fallen asleep.

I turn and see the clock reads 8.21am. Shit. I'm gonna be late for work. I jump up, no time for a shower, no time to eat, need to change. I notice a piece of paper beside the bed, and pick it up. As I scan over it, I notice it's from Olivia.

_Hey Beautiful._

_Didn't want to wake you. I'll text later, and pop by the office._

_You're beautiful baby, truly._

_Love, Liv x_

My hearts beating so fast, and I can't control it or the tears. I head to the bathroom, glancing at myself in the mirror as I do, I heave and empty the contents of last night's meal into the sink. I didn't really eat much, so when I heave again, nothing comes up. I sink to my knees, still retching, my throat hurts like hell now.

I sit for a few minutes, trying to get my breathing in control. I'm startled from my technique by my cell ringing. I get up and see the caller ID. _Mother_. I can't deal with her right now so I let it ring. It stops, and less than a minute later it starts up again. _Mother_. I know if I don't answer, she'll keep ringing. Trembling but managing to compose myself, I answer

"Yes. Mom"

"That's no way to greet your Mother, where are your manners Alexandra?" she barks at me. I really can't deal with this right now.

"Sorry Mother, Good Morning. I'm running late for work" I say, giving an explanation, albeit a true one, not the reason for my snappiness.

"Well I was ringing to invite you to dinner tonight dear. You know Curtis Anderson, I invited him too. He's done well for himself, you know? Works in Banking, dear. You need a nice man to take care of you" She says, she's always doing that, trying to set me up with guys. They're always big hot shots, with money, and it really gets on my nerves.

"I don't need a man, Mother" I say, a lot more bolder than I feel, "I've got plans. And I'm going to be late. Talk later" I say really quickly.

"You're coming for dinner, Alexandra" she tells me, "Love you dear", waiting for me to reply

"No I'm not, Mother, Love you too" I say, and hang up before she can continue her charade.

I clench my fists, and manage to crawl back to the bathroom. Too weak to stand, I lean over the bathtub, and turn on the taps, splashing cold water onto my face.

I can't go to work like this, I reason. I manage to pull myself up and hobble to my bedroom. I quickly change from work clothes to my pyjamas. Feeling too tired, and too angry to eat or drink. I sit on the bed, and pull my legs to my chest. My cell vibrates, and indicates a Text. It's Olivia.

_Hey you. I'll call by the office in 10 x_

I start to cry, and realise I need to call work. I text Liz, unable to face hearing anyone's voice

_Feeling sick. Taking a day. Alex_

I lay my head onto the pillow, and let myself cry.

**Olivia's POV**

I didn't sleep too well. I was worried about Alex, and had so much to think about. But I managed a couple of hours.

I've just text Alex but haven't received a reply. I head down to One Hogan Place, hoping she's not curled herself back, or regretted opening up.

I knock tentatively on her door. I wait for a reply but it doesn't come. I knock again, this time a little louder.

"Detective Benson" I hear, and turn to see Elizabeth Donnelly or Liz as she's often referred to as heading in my direction, "Anything I can help with?" she asks

"Not really. I was just coming to ask Alex if she'd managed to take a look at some evidence yet. But she doesn't seem to be in her office. Is she in court this morning?" I ask

"She's out sick today. Actually, I was hoping to bump into you. She text this morning. It's the first time she's called in sick, usually she works through even when she shouldn't. And she didn't ring either which isn't like her. Could you call by her place and check she's okay?" Liz asks, and I feel my body tense.

This is so unlike Alex and I immediately worry. Did yesterday push her too much? I muse. But nod and say to Liz

"I will"

My head feels like it's going to explode with all the thoughts in it now. I should have been worried earlier when I didn't get a reply. I shouldn't have left her. I should have stayed, on the couch or something.

I head to my car, and decide to call in to her place now. I won't settle until I know she's okay. I send her a text

_Liz said you're sick. I'm calling by to check on you_

I'm startled when I receive a quick reply

_No. Don't. I'm fine really. Don't come over_

This worries me even more. I'm thinking rapidly now. How quick she replied. I have to see her.

Before I know it, I'm parking the car at her apartment and making my way to her floor. I reach her door, and knock.

There's no answer. I knock again.

"Alex. It's Olivia, let me in" I say

"Leave me be" I hear and then a hiccupped sob "please" and my heart catches itself, she's crying.

"No. I'm not going until you let me in"

"I'm fine P-please Olivia. J-j-just go", she says, but I'm not giving up.

"No. I know you don't want to see me. But I'm worried about you. You're not okay. Let me in now", I say, trying to make myself stern.

I won't back down, I'll just stand here until she lets me in.

Slowly I hear footsteps, and the door creaks open slightly. I see puffed eyes, and she looks really sick. Maybe, it's just a bug.

"I'm okay, really" she says quietly "You've seen me. Please go Olivia"

"No. Let me in. Let me help" I say

She's just about to object but I jump in, "Come on. Let me come in", I put my hand on the door, nudging it gently, and she relents. She's shivering, wearing her pyjamas, she looks pale, and tired. Like standing is an effort

I put my hands on her shoulders, and she jumps, I guide her gently to the couch. She sits, her body trembling.

"How do you feel, Alex? Are you sick? Or is this about last night?" I ask, trying to be tactical but my head going hundred miles per hour with concern

"I'm okay" she says, but I know it's a lie.

"No you're not. But don't worry, I won't push you. I'll call the Captain, get some personal time. I'll stay with you" I say, reaching for my cell.

"No. Don't Olivia. I'm fine, really. Just sick. I'll be okay by myself" she says hurriedly, I know she's barely holding it together, the fear and sadness in her voice breaking my heart.

"It's fine. I want to stay", I say, calling the captain, "Captain. Something personal came up. I need to take a day",

"We really need you Olivia. Is it important. This personal stuff?" he asks. I hate letting the team down, but right this minute, my only concern is Alex.

"Yeah. I really need this time. I'll be in tomorrow" I say and I hear him sigh

"Okay. Hope it sorts out" he says, I thank him and end the call. Placing my cell in my bag, I turn to Alex, tears are streaming down her face.

I open my arms and she lays back, I wrap my arms around her, while stroking her hair

"Ssshhh, it's okay. I've got you" I say, feeling a lot stronger than I feel. It really hurts to see Alex like this, but I can't push her to talk. But I'm not letting up easily either.

**I know this is dragging on, and I apologise for that. Reviews would really be welcome. Just your ideas, thoughts. I'll probably update pretty quickly. Don't think my head will rest until I do.**


	12. Chapter 11

**Another update. I know it's quick after the last one, but when I'm on a roll, and have an idea, I can't settle until it's written. This is quite an intense chapter. So brace yourself.**

**Olivia's POV**

She's sobbing quietly into my shoulder, and I know she's feeling sleepy. I'm torn between letting her sleep or getting her to talk. I won't probe into anything, but I know we need to get some things out in the open, and get to know each other in some ways. We haven't been close in the past, I'd like to say we were friends but to be honest, I never really knew where I stood with her, but I now know she likes me as much as I like her. The kiss was perfect, and she did initiate it. I don't know if she regrets it, or whether it's these other insecurities, but we can't jump into a relationship right now.

She's got a lot on her mind, I can tell, and it's not us. But maybe this could be the first step to get her to open up to me. So I brace myself, and begin.

"Alex, Sweetie?" I say quietly, enough to get her attention but not too much that it startles her, she turns to look at me, and I continue "I'm not asking you to talk to me about this, okay. But I am here if you want to, when you want to. But I think we need to try and find a basis with this friendship, or whatever you call it"

"I can't tell you yet. I'm not saying I won't. It- its-too hard right now. But you are right. We can't tiptoe over feelings can we?" she says, I hear the nervousness in her voice, but I'm relieved I didn't frighten her off. And that she say's it's not that she'll never tell me what's up but not right now. I'm worried about her, and that scares me but for now this is enough.

"When I was younger" I say, "I used to play this game with people. I never wanted anyone to know much about me, or my Mother, but when I felt like someone generally liked me for who I was, or who they knew. I'd let them in a little"

"What game was it?" She asks, giving me a confused look.

"You know when you give someone two options, like you say, pink or blue, just to see which they preferred? It was like that, they'd ask me to choose between two things, movies, songs, books, that sort of thing and they'd then know something about me. Then I'd ask them something. Sometimes it wasn't a choice. It would be a question, like what's your favourite tv show? And they'd tell me, or I'd tell them. You didn't have to elaborate the questions. Then we'd slowly find out more about each other"

"Are you asking me to do that?" she asks quietly, and I nod, "I think I could" she says and I smile.

"Okay. Action Movie or Chick Flick?" I ask, starting with something simple

"I like both" she answers

"Okay. Your turn"

"Football or Soccer?" she asks

"Neither. I don't like sports", I use the time to add something more personal, hoping she'll do the same when she's ready "Pizza or Pasta?"

"Pasta. I like Pizza, but I love Pasta" she says smiling, it's good to see her relax a little so I try and change the approach

"Favourite colour?"

"Red. She says. Like…" and she trails off, I notice her tense, so I rub her shoulder, and she relaxes again, "Sorry" she mutters

I shake my head, "It's okay, but what were you going to say. Red like what?", I look at her questionably, and she whispers, "Blood". This shocks me, like it's an admission, something to be guilty about. I'm really confused but I don't want to push her too far. So I change the subject.

"Favourite memory?" I ask, and I can see her thinking, whether it's about the question, I don't know, but she's trembling beneath me again. "If it's hard, we'll skip that one", I say

"No" she says, "I can't do this anymore. Pretend. You're being really kind Olivia, and I'm being stupid, and silly. My favourite memory is of when I was 8, my dad had made this really cool tree house for me. It was like a castle, just for me. It had curtain drapes, over the side, they were silky, and I always found silk to be comforting. I was playing pretending to be a princess, but I was wearing really old jeans and a t-shirt. I was 8 but I never felt pretty enough to be a princess. But I was pretending, and my dad came into the yard and said, "Where's my favourite girl?", I poked my head out of the window, and he smiled, he had this hugs smile, it was so kind, he was so kind to everyone. He was holding a tape player, and he climbed up the ladder, and put on the music. He picked me up and swung me around and around, and we danced in the tree house. I felt like I was Cinderella, at my own ball. I'll never forget how much he made me feel loved",

Alex finished and burst into tears, I stroked her cheek and said, "Alex sweetie, look at me", and as she did, I kissed her forehead and said, "I think you're a princess"

**Alex's POV**

My emotions were driving me scatty. So much had happened these past days, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster, going from smiling to crying in seconds. Olivia was being so sweet, and I hated that I was being such a cow. I know I'm selfish. I need help, I know that, but I don't want it sometimes, and other times, I just want to admit everything.

So here we are, playing this game. It's pretty ridiculous actually, we are full grown women, and we can't even tell each other simple things properly. I know she's got secrets, but she told me about her Mother so easily and about how she was born, that must have so hard but all I do is go round the houses and she's still none the wiser. I hate it, I hate myself for being so weak, for being such a child.

I've just given her my favourite memory. It was so hard talking about my Father, I miss him more than anything in the world. She's just told me, she thinks I'm a princess, and my walls go back up.

"An Ice Princess, I'm sure. I know what I'm called" I say

"It's true some people say that. But I don't believe it. You're not cold. You're the warmest person I know. That Ice Princess stuff, Alex, that's you putting your defences up. I know, I do it too. But you don't always have to. You're a lovely, beautiful, kind hearted person. And I love you" she says, it makes me go all shivery when she says I'm beautiful, I don't believe it, but I know she wants me too. When she says she loves me, it makes everything so much harder.

I've allowed myself to cry, because bottling it in, actually hurts. I'm scared of her knowing, of seeing, but if we're going to try a relationship, I can't hold of her seeing me naked, or any of my skin to be honest, I know what I need to do. I don't want to just show her, that would be too hard, she'll be shocked and worried, and hate me all at the same time, and I wouldn't be able to actually explain. But admitting it to her, and myself is going to be really tough.

"I don't want you to hate me. I know I'm stupid, weak, ridiculous, I know I'm being a baby, acting like this. I know I'm not beautiful, like you, or as strong as you, I know I'm ugly. Enough people have said it for it not to be true", I'm rambling but if I stop, I won't continue

"I'm a screw up, that's what I do. I screw up, and let people I care about get hurt. I hate myself and who I am, what I am, where I am. I sometimes wish I wasn't here, I wish I hadn't been born, I want to die sometimes", I admit, and I see the concern in her eyes, she doesn't know what to say, and I don't blame her, I go to continue but she stops me

"Why do think all this Alex? I'll never hate you okay? You're not stupid, just human, you're not weak, either. You have troubles, we all do. You're scared and I know it's hard. You are beautiful, trust me when I say it's true. People can be mean, and say things that aren't true. You are not a screw up, and we all hurt the ones we love. That's nature. As for wishing you were dead. Alex, why?"

"I hate everything. Life sucks, and it doesn't get better. When my Dad died, I was so torn apart. I was lost. My Mother always was so judgemental, always found a way to put me down, But my Dad never did. After he was gone, my Mother never had anything good to say about me, or to me" I say, I try and continue but I'm overcome with such shame, that the tears are falling, and I'm shaking, I can't breathe, and I know it's a panic attack.

Olivia pulls me towards her, and holds me close, she's whispering, saying "It's okay" over and over but it's not okay. I don't know what comes over me, but in that moment, I throw myself to the ground and start pounding my head against the floor, over and over, I just want it all to stop, I just want to hurt.

I feel her arms pulling me, and she's saying, "Stop, Alex. Stop that. It won't help. Stop, just stop. Breathe, come on. It's gonna be okay but you don't need to do that", but I do, I'm struggling to get away, but she's gripping me really tight. I hate her for stopping me. I can feel the blood trickling from head, and it hurts, but that's good. I need to hurt.

**That was really hard to write. Do you understand Alex a bit better, do you know some of her secrets now? What's going to happen next? Wait and find out but let me know what you think of this chapter, was it okay? Reviews most welcome**


	13. Chapter 12

**I know I'm updating fast. And it seems the views are slowing, so I don't know if this is interesting to anyone now. I guess when I'm stressed myself, writing is my way of coping and understanding. This is another deep chapter. There's a breakthrough and Alex is beginning to open up. **

**Olivia's POV**

She's really scaring me now. I'm trying to hold her back, but she's shaking violently in my arms, there's a gash on her forehead, and it's oozing blood, it's not deep and won't require stitches, but I don't know how to help her. It's not like Alex to be so self destructive. I wonder what she's trying to accomplish by throwing herself against the floor like that.

I'm holding her back from the ground, and I push her up, she's only a slight thing, and I'm able to overpower her, forcing her into a sitting position. She's still shaking, and the tears are just pouring from her eyes. It really breaks my heart but it also terrifies me.

Why would she want to do that to herself? I wonder.

"Alex. Calm down. I've got you. Don't do that, it's not worth it. You don't need to take it out on yourself" I'm saying, and I feel her relax a little. I don't want to her to sleep, not with her head like that. "Come in the bathroom. Let me sort your head out. That's a pretty nasty cut you've got, you'll probably bruise too", I say, helping her from the ground.

She's laying all her weight on me, like she has no fight left. I help her to the bathroom, and lift her to the stool by the sink. I open a cupboard above the sink, looking for a first aid kit. I'm shocked and taken aback when I see packets of razor blades stacked up, and that's when it hits me, I gasp, and look at Alex, she's staring directly ahead, at the wall.

She hurts herself, that's why she panicked when I started undoing her blouse. It begins to make some sense. But I still don't understand why, but we'll get to that. I find some gauze and tape. Setting it beside the sink, I turn on the taps, and grab a flannel. Wetting it, I slowly clean the area on Alex's forehead. There's a blankness in her eyes, and she doesn't even flinch as I clean.

I tape the gauze in place, and lift her down from the stool. She's unsteady on her feet, so I help her back into the living room, and settle her on the couch.

I go to the kitchen, and pour a glass of water, watching her gaze ahead while I'm doing so.

I kneel in front of her, and touch her cheek gently. "Alex, sweetie? Drink some water, you'll feel better" I say, bringing the glass to her lips, she takes a couple of sips before pushing it away gently with her hand.

I place the glass on the coffee table and settle myself beside her. I wrap my arms around her, and she whispers "I'm sorry", I turn her face to look at me, and I smile, "It's okay. When you're ready, I'm here, just rest for now", I don't want to upset her, and I don't want to push any further. Knowing now, why she thinks herself ugly, but not being able to approach the subject myself.

I stroke her hair, mindful not to hurt her, I listen to her breathing, she seems to have relaxed, as if all the fights been taken from inside.

My stomach begins to gurgle and I notice that its early afternoon, and I haven't eaten since breakfast. I doubt Alex even had breakfast this morning, but she needs to eat and keep herself healthy.

"Are you hungry?" I ask and she nods, before replying "A little, but I don't know if I can keep it down. I really was sick"

"What do you fancy? I can see if I can cook you something, or make you a sandwich if you like or we could go out"

"I d-don't want t-to go out there" she stammers, and I notice a tear slipping down her cheek, I wipe it away

"We don't have to. What would you like?" I ask

"Just some toast but you can make yourself something" she says

I'm relieved that she's talking, even if it's just small talk about food. It's a start and that's enough.

"I'll have some toast too, okay. How many slices, sweetie?"

"Just the one" she answers.

"Okay, you stay there. I won't be a minute"

I put 3 slices of bread into the toaster. I open the fridge, and I find it only consists of butter, and a bottle of wine. I sigh, taking out the butter. Once the toast is done, I quickly butter it and set it onto plates.

Alex has pulled herself into a ball, and is gently rocking herself, I can hear her mumbling but am unable to make out words.

I hand her the plate, and sit beside her on the couch. As I eat, I watch Alex take small bites, it's almost as if she's forcing herself to eat it. I don't want her to make herself sick.

"Alex. Do you want to talk to me?" I ask, making sure I watch her, I'm trying to read what she's thinking but it's really difficult. She won't make eye contact with me. She sighs heavily, and puts her plate onto the table, I do the same, and wait for her to speak

"I'm sorry" she says, again

"You don't need to apologise. You just need to get better okay? And I'm here. Always. You can tell me anything, I won't judge but I'm worried about you. What you did, that scared me, and I want to know why you did it, why do you hurt yourself, eh? I saw the blades in the bathroom, I know what they're for. But you need help. I can't help if you won't tell me"

"I don't know why, Liv" she says, curling her arms tighter around herself "It just helps"

I shake my head, I've heard it before but I know it's not true. It doesn't help, though it feels like it.

"No, it doesn't does it? Be honest, once you do it, you feel guilty, am I right?" she nods and I continue "You know it's not the thing to do. But you need to do it, or you feel like you need to. But you don't. Punishing yourself doesn't take away the inner pain, not forever. I know you know that. When did it start, Alex?"

She looks like's about to cry, so I snuggle myself closer to her, and wrap my arm around her shoulder.

"After my Father died. I was about 13 the first time. I hadn't planned it, in fact, it didn't even enter my mind. I never thought I'd be the one to do that. But my Mother was kicking off about my grades, they'd been slipping since he passed. I couldn't concentrate at school. I was really angry at her. I threw my mirror across the room and it shattered into pieces. I was trying to clean it up, when I snagged my arm on a piece. I saw the blood, I thought it would panic me but I was actually really calm, it felt good. Like I was feeling something. So I lifted a piece to my arm and pushed down, seeing the blood was like seeing all of the hate and pain in me, come out", Alex took a breath and I turned her so she could see me as I said,

"I know. But Alex, you're in your thirties now. Have you been doing this, for 20 plus years?" I ask, trying to understand

"No" she says quickly, "I stopped when I left home. When I went to college. At 18. I didn't do it again, until I was 30. When I lost my first case as a prosecutor"

"Why then?" I ask, "Why start again, over a case?"

"You don't understand Olivia, I was always failing. Always making mistakes. I was never enough", she's raising her voice, and trembling again. I don't want to upset her.

"No, I don't understand but I'm trying to. This is a lot for me to take in. I care about you, and quite frankly, I'm scared to death by what you did. But I want to help. Will you let me try?" I ask

She nods, and I give her a gentle squeeze, before placing a kiss on her forehead

"Good. That's a start" I say breathing a sigh of relief, at least she wants help "How often do you do it?"

"Not a lot anymore. I swear. I'm constantly wanting to, but I can control it. Usually it's just when I lose a case, or my Mother shouts at me. I don't know why I did that a minute ago"

"I do" I say, "You were letting your barriers down, you were scared. You've built that wall around yourself, trying to be strong and independent, striving to always win. But we all make mistakes, and nobody is perfect all the time. You're a brilliant attorney, Alex, that much is true, but even the best don't always win. Losing a case doesn't change that you're good at your job"

I hear her breathing slow, and notice she's fallen asleep. I hope she heard what I said. I don't want to leave her, but I need to work tomorrow. I decide on staying here the night, but I need a change of clothes. Careful not to wake Alex, I slide out from the position we are in. Going into the hall, I find a cupboard with some blankets, I take one and drape it over her.

I scribble a quick note. And hurry back to my apartment, hoping I can return before she awakes. I'm a bit worried that she'll wake and get in a panic and hurt herself, though I know I need to trust her, witnessing what I did, makes it harder.

**Will Olivia be able to help? Where will their relationship go? Feedback would be great right now. **


	14. Chapter 13

**Thank you so much for all the reviews. Let me address some of the things you've given your thoughts on.**

**Lesipiratecat: I agree with you. As a former self harmer myself, I use writing as a therapeutic tool as well. Been in recovery for 2 and a half years.**

**Batpiggy: Thank you so much for your ideas and thoughts. I am glad you are enjoying. Thank you for mentioning about the trigger warning's, when writing the summary, I wasn't entirely sure of the direction of this. As for the help Alex needs to receive, she'll get it. I have the plot ready for what comes next and it does involve professional help. **

**Alex's POV**

I open my eyes. I'm curled into the corner of the couch, a blanket covering me. Olivia must have found it. I'm glad I've got her, but I'm still scared. Opening up to her was really hard, but it's the first step. There's a way to go I know and I can't believe she still wants to be friends. Oh, it's been a strange few days, why did I have to tease her when she was staring at me? Why did I push for her to tell me her feelings? Why did I kiss her? It's my fault, she'd never have known. Damn, why do I always fuck it up? She's not here now is she, I scared her off. I try and sit up, but my head is killing me.

I notice a piece of paper on the coffee table, I reach for it, my body aches, I just want to sleep.

I recognise Olivia's writing, it looks like an essay, I begin to read.

_Alex,_

_Don't worry when you wake, You fell asleep and I didn't want to disturb you. I just popped home to get a few things. I'm staying with you for a while, and no arguments. I care about you, okay? You're beautiful, inside and out. We'll talk more when I get back. I know you're scared baby, trust I do. Keep yourself busy, take care and I'll be as quick as I can. I love you._

_Your Liv xx_

I don't know why I'm crying, well I do, but I don't want to. She's too nice to me, I really don't deserve all this. Then I feel myself getting angry, the way she said _"take care"_, like she doesn't trust me by myself, but she's right. Heck, I don't trust myself. The way she says she loves me. Can you imagine my Mother? Shit, I can't do this. I can't, I love her too, but that's another thing for my Mother to pick fault with, another way to put me down. Her Alex has a girlfriend, that brings shame on the family. But I'm not gay, I just love Olivia. I've never loved anyone like this. But we can't, we can't be together.

I search for my cell, finding it on the bedside table. I don't want Liv to come back, it's too much right now. I text her, trying not to worry her.

_Stay at yours, please. I'm fine. I need to be by myself. I won't do anything. I won't. I just need time_

I put the television on, there's a sitcom called "The Middle" showing. I guess a laugh would be needed now. I try and relax but it really doesn't help. The urge to cut is too great, but I need to be strong now, I have before. My cell indicates a text

_Hang in there, I'm coming. I'll be five minutes_

I scream in frustration, chucking my cell at the wall. It shatters. The tears come quick. She knows what I'm thinking too easy. I tell her I won't hurt myself but she knows that means I want to.

I pull myself into a ball, by the sofa. I start counting, trying to distract myself. She'll be back soon.

Sure enough, there's a knock at the door. "Alex, it's me" comes Olivia's voice, I shakily get to the door, I reach the lock and collapse into a heap

"Hey, hey. I'm here now. Come on, let's go sit" she says, guiding me to the couch

"You didn't need to come back" I say, and she strokes my cheek

"Yes I did. You need a friend. What's got you thinking about hurting yourself?" she asks. How does she do that? Know what I'm thinking.

"It's stupid. We can't be together Liv. My mother would throw a fit, another thing I've got wrong, no man to make me happy" I say, it sounds stupid. Me, being worried about what my Mother thinks, but she's always made it like that.

"We don't need to discuss us now Alex, we'll get to that when we can but you need to concentrate on getting better. Your Mother doesn't help, actually, she's a lot of the problem isn't she?" she says and I find myself nodding

"I just never satisfy her. I don't know why, but I've never been good enough. It's like, she's got all these ideas for me, but I just fail her expectations all the time. She rang this morning, actually, that's why I didn't go to work. She just pissed me off and I wanted to be alone. She asked me to dinner, she's invited some bloke over that I used to have a crush on when I was like 14. He's a year older than me, some money man, works in banking. It's infuriating. I love you!" I shout. My Mother really pisses me off sometimes.

"Hey. I love you too. Alex, stop this. Stop blaming yourself. Stop worrying what she thinks. You are important. Your happiness matters, with me, without me, you matter", I know she's right. I sigh, and nod.

She's looking at me with sad eyes but I know it's not pity, its concern and love, and I know I love her. She means so much to me. We can do this together. I need her, now, more than ever. I need her.

I take her hand, and lean forwards, my lips brush hers, I smile, as our lips collide. She parts allowing me access, and I slide my tongue across hers, I wrap my arms around her shoulders, as she rubs her hand on the back on my head. When the need for air comes, I pull gently, and she smiles.

"Was that okay?" I whisper in her ear,

"Perfect" she says, I lay my head on her shoulder, and sigh. It's going to be okay. It has to be. I have the best girl in the world.

We watch television for a little while. I feel myself getting tired but I don't want to sleep and I'm actually hungry now.

"Do you want to go out for dinner, Liv?" I ask, feeling brave but I see the shock on her face, the concern and worry, "No, you're right. Not yet. Shall we get take out?"

"I'm not saying no, Alex. It's just when I mentioned it earlier, you were petrified of being in public. And that's fine. But don't think it's what I want. I want you to be okay, to be comfortable. We'll go when you feel better", and again, she's right, she always is. I love that, she's so wise, always looking at things from higher than she is.

"I just want normality. I don't want things to change. No, I do, I want to get better. I want to stop. But I don't want to stop being me."

"Alex, Honey. You've got me. Forever. I'm not running, I'm not hiding, and I certainly want this to work between us. I want to help you, as a friend, and girlfriend. Show me, I promise it won't make me run, and I won't think you're ugly, I already told you, you're beautiful. Let me see?" she asks, resting her hands on my sleeves, "Is it just your arms? Both, or one? I want to help but you've got to let me in"

I start trembling, I know I have to this, but I'm scared. She says she won't think I'm ugly but I still feel I am. She's waiting for me, and I know I need to do this.

"Can I change in the bathroom? Look, Olivia. This terrifies me, seriously. I know you say you're not going to think I'm ugly, but I feel it. And that won't change right away. It's not just my arms, Liv. I need to do this properly, I'm gonna undress. Don't come in, I'll tell you when I'm ready", I look at her, and she looks concerned, she doesn't trust me, I know it.

"Olivia, I'm not going in there to hurt myself. Please, trust me, this is really hard. I've never told anyone. Ever. My Mum saw when I was like 17, she saw and she screamed how messed up I was, how she couldn't stand to look at me. I'm scared you'll do the same"

"Alex, I won't. And no, I don't trust you, totally. I want to, but what you did earlier, you really wanted to hurt yourself, you weren't just trying to feel. You could have caused serious damage. I want you to show me, but I want you to feel comfortable doing it"

"When I look at myself in the mirror Liv. I feel physically sick. I feel disgusting. I want to be able to do it without throwing up everywhere. I don't want you to look at me, with your mouth hanging open, at all the scars, they're everywhere. My arms, my chest, my thighs, some are small, barely noticeable, some are big, and old, some are new, some aren't even scars yet"

"When did you last?" she asks, "Tell me"

"Last week. After the Rodriguez case. That kid Olivia. She was petrified of her own brother. And I couldn't help. He got off, he's going to be constantly reminding her"

"But that wasn't your fault. There were things beyond your control. You did your best. You really did. Did you want to do it when I messed up with Cal Heaton?" she's asking and I'm not telling, she'll blame herself.

I shake my head, lying. But I can't say. It's not fair on her. I want to be sick, I feel myself getting hotter by the minute, I swear I'm going to faint.

**Olivia's POV**

She looks pale, and I immediately worry. I reach out and pull her to me.

"Sit down", I say, picking up the glass of water from earlier, she needs fluids, and food in her, she hasn't eaten properly. "Drink" I command

"Olivia" she mumbles

"Shh, drink. Don't talk now", I'm aware that this might be a stalling tactic, she's scared to show me, but we need to get this done. "You're going to show me. Go in the bathroom, I'm coming with you. You can hide behind the curtain while you undress. But I need to see. Alex, I get it, you're scared. But I'm serious when I say, it changes nothing towards how I feel. I love you. That won't change for some scars, no matter what you think"

She nods, and says "I'm sorry", I wish she would stop apologising.

I guide her to the bathroom. She starts to tremble, as she slides her pyjama bottoms down, I try not gasp as I see a dozen or so thick scars covering each thigh. They look well healed, and are probably years old. They're not pretty but they show her strength, they certainly don't make her look ugly. She glances at me, and I smile, "You're doing great Alex", she's wearing blue lace panties but I'm not concentrating on that, now isn't the time for those kind of thoughts.

She lifts up her top, I see her stomach has little scars in criss-cross patterns, and as she lifts higher, I notice a thick scar reaching from side to the other above her chest. Again, it looks healed, but I know this was a serious cut, I wonder what made her do that. But I don't ask, I nod, as she fully removes her top. Seeing her like this, almost naked, was meant to be a special time, not like this for sure. But it doesn't matter to me. Her arms are laced with scars, old, and a few newer. My heart feels like it's breaking, and I want to cry, but I won't, she's more than beautiful, she's strong.

"See" she whispers, and glances at the mirror, seeing her reflection, she crumbles into sobs, and dry heaves, she heaves again and her knees give way, I catch her before she lands and rest her head on my chest. Feeling her skin against me, like this, I feel the butterflies and the fireworks inside me build up, but I push any sexual thoughts away, now is not the time.

"You're beautiful, still. That doesn't change. You'll see. I'll make you see, you are beautiful, and strong. That's the truth baby, you're a fighter and we'll do it together"

She's stopped heaving, and the crying has calmed. I help her dress, running my hands over some of the scars, gently, not to hurt the fresher ones on her arms. I want to comfort her, in any way she lets me, and it seems to be helping.

I guide her to the couch, and reach for my cell. "You want Pasta?" I ask, and she smiles

"You really did listen, didn't you, Olivia?" she asks, and I nod, "Pasta will be great. Just a Carbonara"

I order dinner, and sit beside her, opening my arms to let her snuggle. She does, and I hear her sigh, "Thanks Liv. Really, That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel much lighter, like I've just taken off a backpack that I've worn for years"

I smile, at the fact that it helped. I thought it might, my heart swells with pride

"You're a fighter Alex. Thank you for letting me in. I'll always be here"

The take out arrives, Alex eats quickly, and it gives me some confidence that she can now eat. Once we eat, and I've cleared away, I know we need to approach the subject of work. I don't know if she should go back yet. I want to be there when she needs me, but if a case goes wrong, I want to be able to be there.

**I know this was a long chapter, but once I started to write, I couldn't stop. There's a big development in the next chapter.**


	15. Chapter 14

**Another update. Thank you for the great reviews, and the support, really does mean a lot to me. I am glad you like the direction this is going in, and I know that you might not have anticipated it, but this was part of the plot from the beginning. **

**This is a long chapter, but it holds the support and start to Alex getting the help she needs. I was going to split it, but then it seemed better together. I want to move on to happier things, though of course, it will still be a tough battle for them both.**

**Alex's POV**

"Alex" I hear Olivia say, I'm leaning against her, her arms wrapped around me. It's a safe comfort, and I feel much calmer and relaxed now. I think all the pent up emotion and struggling to cope by myself was making this a lot harder than they were. Talking helped a lot, and showing Olivia may have been hard but I am glad that I did.

Part of me, feels angry though, that I let my guard down and that I hurt myself in front of her. She didn't need to see that, and I know I scared her, I was scaring myself.

"I want you to take some time off work" she says, and I sigh, I knew it was coming and I know it's the best thing, but it makes me feel like I'm failing again

"I need to work Liv" I say, and I'm serious, I need that distraction. I don't think there are any court appearances tomorrow, and then it's the weekend. I don't work weekends, unless I'm really needed

"I know you want to Alex. But you need help, and I can't give it to you. You need to talk to someone, not just me" hearing that, makes me panic, it was so tough talking today, and I don't know if I can do it, tell someone else.

"I c-cant Liv" I manage to say, before dissolving into tears, she holds me tighter

"You can. You're strong, look at what you accomplished today. But work isn't going to help you, you can't use it as a barrier because it's part of the problem. I don't want to leave you, but I have to work tomorrow. I'll pop in at lunch, and I'll be over as soon as work finishes. You can text me, call me, anytime. If you need me to come over, I'll try my best to. I want to help you, but I can't do it by myself"

I don't want to argue. So I just nod, hearing her let out a sigh of relief.

I feel myself getting tired, and close my eyes.

* * *

I awake slowly, I'm still on the sofa, and I see Olivia is asleep too. Her arms have relaxed from me, and apart from one arm draped across my stomach, the contact is minimal. I lay there few a few minutes, before deciding I need to go for a walk. I just need to be myself for a little while.

Careful not to wake her, I remove myself from the couch, quickly change from my pyjamas into a tracksuit, I glance at the clock, it's a quarter to 11 in the evening. I glance at Olivia, who is still sleeping and slip out the door. I just need to get some air, mull things over in my head, and I can't do that at home.

It's raining, and I didn't bring my jacket nor umbrella but I don't care, the rain is comforting, like it's cleaning me, rinsing this pain and hate inside me. I walk, not sure where I'm headed. I'm glad there aren't many people around, and glad that those who are about don't notice that I'm crying, glad that the rain obscures that from view.

I sit myself on a bench, and pull my knees up to my chest. If I just sit here for a while, maybe I'll understand.

**Olivia's POV**

I awake to sunlight peering in through the window. I realise I'm at Alex's and realise I must have fallen asleep when she did. It takes me a minute to realise she isn't on the couch with me. I sit up, and look over to the kitchen, but I can't see her. I start to panic slightly, maybe she's in the shower, I notice it's 8am, so she might be up already. I head to the bathroom, "Alex?" I call, "Alex, Are you in there?",

I don't hear an answer, so I push the door open, the bathroom is empty, my heart's beating fast, as I race to the bedroom, but it's empty too. I notice her pyjamas are in a pile and her cell is smashed on the floor, I recall seeing it yesterday.

Where is she? I grab my cell and call Liz, maybe she went into work, I didn't think she'd stay home.

"Elizabeth Donnelly, DA's office"

"Liz, It's Detective Benson. Is Alex there?" I ask, trying not to sound panicky

"Not yet. I was going to call and ask if she was feeling better. Did you manage to talk to her?"

"Yeah, I did. Look Liz, can you call if she comes in"

"Sure. Is everything okay Olivia?"

"I'm not sure. Just let me know if you see her"

"Will do"

I'm really panicking now. Where did she go? I try and search for a note but find nothing. I grab the spare keys and my bag, locking the door on the way out, I race down the stairs and into my car.

I drive around for a bit, trying to think of the places where she might head to. I wish I knew more about her likes, then I might know where she likes to go. I set my cell to hands free and dial Elliot. I don't want to betray Alex, but I need to find her. I'm worried. I don't know when she went out, or where's she's gone or what she's thinking.

"Stabler"

"El, Where are you?"

"Liv?" he asks "What's up?"

"It's Alex. I don't know where she is. And I'm worried. Can you call the local hospitals? Are you at work?"

"Jesus Liv. Calm down. Yes, I'm at work. What's happened to Alex, why are you worried?" and I can hear the concern in his voice

"Can't explain right now. I'm a few minutes away, come down" I say and end the call.

I pull up at the precinct, and Elliot's waiting, he gets in and says, "She's at Bellevue. What happened Olivia?"

"Is she okay?" I ask, my voice trembling, I knew I shouldn't have fallen asleep.

"I don't know. They said she was asking for you. Olivia, why were you worried?"

I won't betray her by telling him. "I don't know. I can't tell you Elliot. You go back to work. I'll go to Bellevue. Tell the captain I need another day. Don't tell him anything!" I say, trying to remain calm, but needing to get to the hospital

"Okay. Just text me later, yeah?" he asks and I nod. He gets out, and I press the pedal, speeding off in the direction of Bellevue.

"Please, let her be okay, let her be okay. Oh, Alex" I mumble to myself, the tears are falling, at least she asked for me, so I know she's not unconscious or worse case, dead. I know I shouldn't have gone to sleep, but I thought she'd be okay. Why didn't I wake when she moved? When did she go out? How long has she been at the hospital?

I pull up outside. And run into the hospital

"Can you tell me where Alexandra Cabot is?"

"Are you family?" the lady behind the counter asks

"I'm her best friend" I say

"Sorry, I can only disclose information with Family at this time" she says

I grab my badge and say " I'm Detective Olivia Benson. Where is she?"

A nurse approaches me and says, "Hi. My name is Lillian Wright. Miss Cabot has been asking for you"

"What happened? Is she okay?"

"She was found passed out on a bench in the rain. I think she had been there for a while, she was drenched. She came in around 6am with mild hypothermia. But we were able to get fluids into her and get her warm fairly quickly. She's doing just fine. But we noticed a lot of scars on her body, and she had a panic attack when asked about them. She won't talk, just keeps asking for you. We're going to get a psychiatrist to come and talk with her"

"I think that's what she needs. She only told me about the self harming today, and it's been a pretty rough day for her. Can I see her?"

She nods and leads to a room. Alex is sitting in ball at the top of the bed rocking herself.

"Go in. We'll send someone in a little while" she says, and I push open the door.

It takes Alex a little while to realise someone's entered, when she looks up, she bursts into tears, and I rush to her side.

"Hey, you're okay baby. I'm here" I say, as I stroke her face gently

"I'm sorry Liv. I just needed some space. I don't know what happened, I walked and walked, and then I sat down on a bench, and I don't remember. I woke up in here" she says

"Did you hurt yourself?" I ask, needing to know but trying not to upset her

"No" she says shaking her head, "I just wanted some space. Really Liv, I didn't do anything, I swear"

"Hey, it's okay. I believe you. But Alex, the doctors saw the scars. Someone's going to come and talk to you"

"I c-cant Liv. I c-c-can't" she said, and I feel her trembling

"You can. Alex, you need to do this. Just tell them when it started, why you did it, and maybe they can get you to see a therapist or a counsellor, and maybe you get medication. This is the start of something good, you getting better" I say, as she looks up at me, "And I'm right here with you"

"I'll try. You're right. I need this" She says, and then I notice her expression change, "Olivia, you're not at work"

"I've taken the day. I asked Elliot to clear it with the Captain. Don't worry, I didn't tell Elliot but he knows you are here, not why. I was really worried about you. I needed his help"

"You don't have to stay"

"Well, I am. I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to ring Elliot, I won't tell him why you are here, just that you are okay. And then I'll call Donnelly, I called her earlier in case you went into work, I said I'd ring when I found you, but I need to tell her what's going on Alex. Shall I get her to come here?"

"No, just tell her. I don't want you to, but she needs to know, I can't hide any more can I?"

"No you can't. Hey, I'm really proud of you, just get better okay? I'll just be outside"

I call Elliot,

"Stabler"

"Hey El, it's me. Listen, Alex is fine, I can't explain right now, but I'm staying with her. Was Cragen mad?"

"I'm glad she's okay. A little, but he agreed when I said that it had to be important for you to take a day. I think he was concerned about you"

"Right. Don't tell anyone Alex is here. I'm going to call Donnelly, but you can manage without me and Alex right?"

"Yeah. We'll be just fine. Take care and tell Alex I'm thinking of her"

"Thanks El, that means a lot"

"Yeah. Talk soon Liv" he says before ending the call.

I phone Donnelly, my heart's beating, I don't know how she'll take this.

"Elizabeth Donnelly, DA's Office"

"Hey Liz. It's Benson"

"Olivia, have you seen Alex? She never came in and she's not answering her cell, I was gonna call you but you beat me to it"

"We're at Bellevue. Alex had hypothermia, she went out in the rain in just a tracksuit, but she's okay"

"Jesus Christ. Why would she go out in the rain at night-time without a jacket?"

"She's sick Liz. She's been self harming for years. She finally broke down and confessed it all to me. That's why I rang earlier. I was worried, but she's fine. Well, as fine as she could be"

"What?! Why? I'm on my way"

"I don't think she'll want to see you Liz. It was really hard for her to tell me, she's never told anyone before. She's gonna meet with a psychiatrist, and I hope they'll get her counselling. She's ready for help, but I don't think she's going to want to see you. Work isn't easy on her"

"Well, I'm on my way anyway, if she doesn't want to see me that's fine. But I'll need to talk to her. She'll have to take leave from work, she's not stable enough, and if this gets out, it's gonna be a mess"

"I know. Okay. I'll see you soon", I hang up and head back to Alex.

**Finally Alex is where she needs to be. Coming next...How does Alex react to the news that she can't work? Happier things coming soon, I swear. I'd like you to review. You're support encourages me **


	16. Chapter 15

**Another chapter for you. Thank you so much for the continuing support with this story. It's difficult to get into Alex's head and try and explain from her point of view what she's thinking, but I hope I'm managing okay. The way she thinks fluctuates depending on the moment. I'm hoping that we can get to happier things soon, but I also know from past experience and common sense that the mindset of someone dealing with self-harm doesn't change just like that, it's a gradual process. With someone Alex's age, it's more complicated, and there are other factors but we'll get to that soon.**

**Alex's POV**

I can't believe I've been so stupid, so weak, letting it get this far. I was fine. I was coping. No-one needed to know. And now I'm lying here on this hospital bed, waiting for some doctor who deals with crazy people to come and tell me what I already know. I'm a failure, I'm a complete screw up.

Olivia's been on the phone for a long time, talking to Elliot and Donnelly, and I'm absolutely petrified of what's happening.

"Hey Baby", she says as she comes into the room, but I don't want to talk, and I hate her being so nice to me, so I roll over away from her as she continues talking, "I've spoken to Liz. She's coming up to see you"

Great, another person to see how weak I am. It just gets better and better.

"Do you want anything to eat?" she says, now crouching in front of me. I don't, I just want to be left alone right now. But I don't want to talk, so I just roll over to face the other side.

"Alex. What's wrong?" she asks, and I can see the sadness in her voice but I don't want her pity, I don't want to drag her into this. It's not fair. It's my mess.

I feel her hand on my shoulder but I don't want her touch, I shrug it off.

"Hey. It's me" she says, like I'm stupid. Of course I know it's her, but I don't want her here. I don't want to be here.

"Talk to me, Alex. Tell me what you're thinking" I can hear what she's saying, but I just don't want to hear it. I cover my ears, and I hear her sigh,

"I'm just going to call Cragen, let him know I'm taking the week off. I'm going to tell him you're sick. But he'll just start his own train of thoughts if I say I need personal time and then you're not at work", I hear her loud and clear and I know I won't be going to work, I know Liz is going to tell me that. And it hurts like hell. Another thing I can't do because I'm a failure.

I hear the door close behind me, and I let the tears fall. I let them fall because I hate everything right now. And I hate myself a thousand times more.

**Olivia's POV**

I don't know why she's clammed up all of a sudden. She's scared, I get that. But why not talk to me, the way she covered her ears. Like she just didn't want to know.

I dial Cragen. I don't want to tell him what's wrong with Alex, but at the same time, we might have to. I'll see what Liz thinks when she gets here.

"Captain Cragen, Special Victims"

"Captain, It's Liv"

"I was wondering when I'd get a call from you, instead of your partner telling me you needed to take today off too. What is going on Liv?"

"I'm sorry Captain, it's Alex, she's sick and she needs me"

"Cabot? Since when did you get all friendly with her? And what's she sick with?"

"I can't tell you Captain, but we've become close these past few days"

"And that means what exactly? Why can't her family look after her?"

"It's not as simple as that. Look Captain, I know it's a pain, and I don't like letting you down. But I'll need the week off, maybe longer, but for now, just a week. I'll tell you what's going on once I've spoken to Donnelly"

"I don't like this, but you've got enough sick days accumulated, so I can't really object"

"Thanks Captain"

"Okay. Tell Alex I hope she feels better. Liv, is it serious?"

"yeah, and no. Look, I'll explain soon"

"Okay. Take care Benson"

I hang up, just as Liz Donnelly comes round the corner. I glance back at Alex, who's still in the same position, with her back to me. I approach Liz.

"Thanks for coming, Liz"

"How is she, Olivia? What's going on with her?"

"I don't know everything" I say, directing myself to a seat and sitting down.

"Well, tell me what you do know" she says, sitting beside me. I can see the concern on her face.

"We confessed our feelings for each other. I really like her Liz. We're both straight, we've dated guys and it's never worked out. When I first met Alex, her beauty was so evident. It's taken us time to become friends but I always felt more around her" I say, and see a shock on her face

"I know, I know, it's weird but she told me she felt the same. We were doing things, kissing and when I began to undo her buttons she completely freaked. I can't believe I'm telling you this" I say, feeling my skin blush

"I'm not surprised really Olivia. I always thought there was something between you both. It's obvious you care about her and Alex is hard to read but I always thought she liked you too. But tell me what happened with her"

"Well, she freaked and ran into the bathroom. I heard her crying, and I've never heard her cry. Long story short, when she emerged, we got talking, I was trying to get her to open up to me. I knew something was wrong but what I didn't really know. She told me about her Father, and how he'd passed away when she was 12, and how her Mother was always putting her down"

"Well, you know more than I do, that's for sure"

"Yeah. Well, She fell asleep. And I left. Then she text you saying she was sick. I went round there, and she did look unwell. We talked about random things, you know. And then she just got really upset and started bashing her head on the floor. Liz, I was so scared"

"Oh my, why did she do that?" she asks

"I think she was letting her walls down. She kept saying that was a failure, that she was weak. And she was crying, and saying that she didn't cry. I think she was just afraid to open up. But she wanted to hurt herself Liz. I helped clean her head, it was bleeding a little. I saw packets of blades in the bathroom cupboard, far more than anyone could need and then it dawned on me why she panicked when I was undoing her top. She started to open up. About her Father, about how he meant so much to her, and that after her died, her Mother was always putting her down. Her grades slipped, and after an argument with her Mom, she cut herself with a piece of mirror glass. She was 13. She said, she cut regularly until she was 18, when she left home and went to college. She said she was doing fine until she lost her first case as a prosecutor. All those feelings of self hate and not being enough must have come back. She's been doing it ever since, whenever she loses a case"

"Shit. That's terrible" Liz says and I can see the shock, and there are tears in her eyes, "So what happens now Liv?"

"Well, a psychiatrist is going to come and talk to her. I hope he gets her some counselling. And I don't like the idea of medication but I think she might need it. I've taken a week from work. I think we need to go and tell the captain what is actually going on. He knows she's sick but I didn't want to tell him over the phone and I thought coming from you as well, might make it easier"

"Yeah. I'm going to have to get her cases transferred. And I've actually been thinking about getting someone else in to manage SVU with her, so that the work load is shared, and maybe that way, we can give her the cases that she can win"

"I think someone else might be good. But I don't know how she'll take it. I think it will make her feel like a failure all over again. And as for cases she can win, she can win any case with the right evidence. She feels like she's let everyone down when she loses, like it's all her fault but we know it isn't. She said she needed help, and seemed to be ready for it, but when I went in there after talking to you, she wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk"

"Maybe, I should go and talk to her. Do you think we should do it together?" Liz asks and I really don't know, but I not because I don't know what else to do.

**Liz Donnelly's POV**

I step into the room where Alex is lying on the bed. Her back is facing us. We sit down in the chairs and Olivia says

"Alex, turn over so we can talk to you. Liz is here"

"Hey you. What a mess you've got yourself into" I say, "Come on, we need to have a chat",

Olivia glares at me, and shakes her head, maybe my choice of words weren't the best. But I don't know what to say. I mean, this is Alexandra Cabot we're talking about. The Ice Princess, or Ice Queen, who stares down criminals and gets the victims justice. She's hard headed, cold and calculated, she's strong.

"Alex" Olivia says, standing up and walking round the bed, "Sit up. We need to talk to you, it's important. Don't clam up now. You want to get better don't you?"

Alex turns over to face me, her eyes are closed but I can see she's been crying, and it breaks my heart. This is a completely different person to the one I usually see.

"Alex" I say, quietly "I know you don't want to hear this. But I'm going to transfer your cases between the other ADA's for a while. And then maybe I can see about bringing in a partner for you, someone to share the case load for a bit"

She opens her eyes, and I can see a tear rolling down her cheek, she nods and sits herself up, wrapping her arms around Olivia.

"I'm going to leave you for a little while. We'll talk soon" I say, motioning to Olivia to accompany me to the door

"I'll be a couple of minutes Al" Olivia says, as she follows me. I notice her nickname she's given Alex and it makes me smile. These two really do fit together really well.

I open the door and head into the corridor before turning to Olivia

"I'll drop by your place tomorrow. I'm guessing, she'll be at yours"

"Yeah, I hope so. Unless they want to keep her here, she should be out this evening. I'm hoping they don't admit her into a psych ward, I think that might be too much for her but then again, maybe she needs it to get better" she says, and I can see the nervousness in her body, as she clasps her hands together.

"Well, I think she should be with people she trusts. Like you. Putting her somewhere like that, it's not going to get her to open up if you're the first person she's ever told"

"Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I'll call Cragen and see if he can come over too. About 11.30am okay for you?"

"Yeah, That's okay. See you tomorrow Olivia" I say and head for the lift

**So, I added Donnelly's POV, to try and gage that there were other people involved. I'll be adding the POV of other characters as the story goes on, and as it progresses. There are happier times ahead though. Review please.**


	17. Chapter 16

**Another update, I know it's quick after the last one. But a review from a "Guest" gave me the ammunition and drive to keep going, so thank you for telling me that this story is dumb, means a lot, but I write because I enjoy it and whether you like it or not, its your problem. You didn't have to read it.**

**Now, I've cleared that up, let's continue shall we?**

**Olivia's POV**

I walk back into the room. Alex is sitting on the bed, tears still dripping, it breaks my heart to see her like this. I really want to help, but I don't know how.

"Hey" I say, sitting on the bed beside her

"I'm scared" she whispers, I've never heard Alex admit to an emotion like that before. But I can see it in her eyes, those lovely blue eyes that once glistened with laughter now glisten with tears.

"I know you are. One day at a time, right? You'll get through this, I know you will. And I'm here if you'll let me be"

"I'm glad you're here Liv. But you need to work" she says, and I knew this was coming but I still don't like it

"No. I'm not leaving you. I've got a week for now. You'll talk to this doctor that's coming, and he'll decide where you go from there, and you'll accept whatever help he gives you. You'll have me, and I'll be there. You'll get better"

"What if I can't?" she asks, and I look at her puzzled, "What if I c-can't get better? I'm scared"

"You will. You'll do it because you're strong. Oh, honey, I know you're scared. That's fine. But you can do this, I know you can" I say, stroking her cheek gently

We lay for a few minutes, before the door opens. A young doctor enters the room, and smiles kindly at us.

"Alexandra?" she asks and I adjust myself on the bed, swinging my legs round.

"I'll be outside" I say quietly to Alex who just nods, "You'll be fine" I say, hoping that I'm right.

**Alex's POV**

This woman is just looking at me, with pity in her eyes, I can just feel it. It makes me feel awful. I hate feeling like this, everyone watching me like I'm some weird person.

"Hi, Alexandra. My name's Kate. How are you feeling?" she asks and I scoff, because the whole sentence sounds ridiculous

"Fine" I say but I know it's a complete lie

"What are you thinking right now?" she asks, and I shake my head, willing the tears not to fall, "You need to talk Alexandra, if you don't I'll have to admit you to the psych ward" she says, and that just starts the tears rolling

"No" I say, but I don't know what I'm saying it to. I don't want to talk but I don't want to go to a crazy ward "I'm not crazy" I voice that thought out loud

"I don't think you are. But you need to give me something to go on, so I know how to help you"

"I feel so stupid" I say, and it's the truth "I feel so weak, and so lost, and I'm scared"

"Okay. Do you want to get better?" she asks and I nod, because in all honesty, I really do. I'm sick of feeling so down all the time, sick of feeling like everything is against me, and that I'm worthless

"That's a start. I want you to see a counsellor, twice a week to begin with. And I'm going to recommend that we get you started on some anti-depressants"

"I don't want them" I say, because really I don't. I don't want happy pills to make me happy. I want life to make me happy.

"I really think they'd help. Why don't you want them?"

"Because I don't want some fake happiness" I say, and she adjusts herself onto the bed

"We'll start with a low dose, and we'll monitor how you react to them. We may want to put the dosage up depending on how they work for you. I really think they'll help. And it's not fake happiness, it's something to help you through the day"

"But I'm not depressed. I'm happy most of the time"

"Exactly, most of the time. But when something goes out of your control, you do things that harm yourself, and that's why you need help. That's why medication can help"

"Maybe" I say, still don't want them but I want to get better and I just don't have the energy to fight.

"Okay, that's good. So I'll get you started on a course of what we call Escitalopram or Cipralex, it's an SSRI, which is a type of medicine that helps the nerve cells in the brain. I'll start you with 10mg, which is the lowest dose. There are side effects like all medicines, most commonly they may make you sick, but if you read the leaflet, it will list the side effects. They'll take a couple of weeks to start working, but don't stop taking them, if you go to your doctor in 2 weeks, he'll see how you're getting on, and whether the dose needs to be higher"

"How long will I have to take them?" I ask, I'm scared that I'll have to take them forever.

"Let's just see how it goes for now. Probably for a while" she says, I can feel the tears starting to fall again, but I wipe them away. No point in crying over something I can't control.

"The Doctor say's you can be discharged. I'll write you a prescription while you get your stuff together. Is there someone to look after you, maybe your friend that was in here?"

"She's my girlfriend, and yeah, I think I'm staying with her"

"Oh. Right. That's good then. Give me a few minutes" she says as she leaves. I can see the disgust on her face that I have a girlfriend but to be honest, I don't care. I have Olivia, and right now, I need her more than I've ever needed anyone. I don't understand why she cares, or why I even deserve it, but it makes me feel good.

**Olivia's POV**

"Everything okay, Alex?" I ask entering the room where Alex is busy tying her laces, as the doctor exits then room and heads down the hall.

"Mmm" she says nodding and I truthfully don't know what that means

"What did she say?" I ask

"I've got see a counsellor twice a week, and I've got some tablets to take"

"Anti-depressants?" I ask, relief that she's agreed and/or accepted the help.

"Yeah" she says, sighing, running her hand through her blonde hair

"That's good, Alex" I say sitting beside her, I tentatively wrap my arm around her, she relaxes into the touch

"Thank you" she whispers, and I smile

"Nothing I wouldn't have done, you know that right?" I say, "I love you, Alex and I'm not going anywhere"

"Really?" she asks, her eyes wide, "You love me?"

"Yes, more than I've ever loved anyone. Really. You're beautiful Alex" I say, turning her face to look at me, "Beautiful, and kind, and smart, strong but gentle"

"Thank you" she whispers again and I chuckle

"No worries" I say as the doctor enters the room again,

"Here's your medication, Alexandra. One tablet a day, to be taken with food. I'd say try and keep to the same time each day, but it doesn't matter when. I've booked your first appointed with a Counsellor, she's really nice, her name's Gina Rhodes. You'll see her on Monday, okay?"

Alex just nods and takes the medicine from the doctor, putting it into her pocket.

"She needs a lot of support. It's going to take time for the tablets to work. She'll probably find it really tough for a few weeks, but they'll start working once they get into her blood stream." The doctor says turning to me, and I nod and say

"I'm in it for the long haul"

She smiles and leaves, I turn to Alex, and say "Ready to go?"

She nods and takes my hand, I can feel her trembling, this is gonna be a tough battle but she'll get through it, I know she will, and I'm with her all the way.

**So, now Alex has agreed to the help, she's staying with Olivia. The climb will be uphill and there will be some setbacks. **


	18. Chapter 17

**Thank you for the dedication to reading this. Especially to sterober and batpiggy for the uplifting and helpful reviews. I'm going to take this in a different direction soon, and hopefully it shall be a happier one. Obviously I am still aware of the time Alex needs to get better, but I will be skipping days in the future, otherwise this is going to drag out and I have other ideas for more plots further on. **

**Olivia's POV**

We've dropped by Alex's so she can collect a few things, I'm sitting on her couch while she packs a bag with a few clothes. I lean back and close my eyes for a few minutes, it's been such a rollercoaster journey these last few days, and I can feel a headache coming on. I rub my temples, and when I open them I can't see or hear Alex.

"Alex?" I ask, walking down the hallway, coming to the bathroom, I knock gently, "Alex? Are you in there sweetie?"

I push the door gently, Alex is sitting on the stool, staring at the cupboard which holds the razor blades, tears are sliding down her cheeks.

I put my arm around her shoulders, "It's okay. What're you thinking?" I ask

"I w-want to t-take them with me" she says trying to hold back more tears

"Oh sweetheart" I say, holding her closer to me, "You don't need them. Come on. Have you finished packing what you need?"

She nods and wipes away a tear. I smile at her, trying not to look like I'm pitying her, because I'm not, I really do care

Alex doesn't speak at all on the journey from her place to mine, I can see a few stray tears slipping, but each time she wipes them away. When we reach mine, I let her hold me as we walk up the 2 flights of stairs.

She sighs as I unlock and lead her in, she heads straight for the couch, pulling her knees to her chest. I take her bags into my room. She'll sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch.

"Are you hungry?" I ask realising that it's nearing 2pm, and we haven't eaten all day, she shrugs as I sit down, I open my arms for her but she shakes her head and I sigh, "I'm here whenever you want me Alex"

I decide that I'm going to make a sandwich for the both of us. I head to the kitchen, I leave the door ajar and busy myself with fixing lunch. I pour myself some juice and do the same for Alex.

She's sitting on the couch, tablet in her hand and I can see she's shaking, I set the plates on the table, and sit beside her, "Scared?" I ask, and she nods, I lean out to touch her, unsure of the reception and she says, "Do I have to take it?", I smile sadly and nod

"Yeah, you do", She pops it into her mouth and takes the glass from the table, gulping down the juice

I smile, and say "Come on, let's eat"

**Alex's POV**

I'm so tired. I've just eaten a sandwich that Olivia made and she's put on the tv, we're watching some sort of comedy that I've never seen. Olivia keeps laughing and I'm trying to smile a little, it is funny but I just feel so deflated. There is a weight off of my shoulders, and I really want the help, I'm just scared, heck, I'm petrified of everything.

Taking that tablet earlier, was so difficult, I didn't want to. I've read the side effects, and I don't want to get sick, or anything that it says I might. I just want things to be normal but I don't know what normal is. Olivia hasn't kissed me, and I'm scared she thinks I'm disgusting, I'm scared I've dragged her into this without thinking.

"Relax, Alex. You're so tense" she says rubbing my shoulder, I flinch but nod when she looks at me for permission to continue.

"Can you hold me?" I whisper, and she opens her arms, I crawl into them and close my eyes.

When I awake, I can feel Olivia's eyes on me, I turn to look at her and she says,

"Hey Sleepyhead", I smile and ask

"How long have I been asleep?"

"A couple of hours, it's nearly Half Four. How are you feeling?"

"Okay I guess" which is true

"Here's my spare cell. I noticed yours was broken, and fixed the sim card into this one, you can use it for as long as you need"

Shit, I need to call my mother. What am I going to say? I can't tell her the truth. I take it from Olivia and say, "I'm just going to make a call. Can I go into your bedroom?" I ask and she nods

I get up and head to Olivia's room. I smile as I inhale her scent and perch myself on the windowsill. I dial my Mother

"Alexandra. I've been trying to call you since you never showed yesterday. Do you know how embarrassed I was when you never showed?"

I sigh, this is going to be a phone call I never wished I made

**Olivia's POV**

"I was busy Mother" I hear Alex say, "And I already told you I wasn't coming"

I hate listening to other people's phone calls, but I know this isn't going to be an easy conversation, and I want to know how to console Alex after she's finished.

"I really don't want to get into this now" she's saying, "I don't need a man to make me happy Mother"

I pause, and sigh, wishing that life was much kinder on the souls and that family traditions and socially acceptable morals weren't so strong. Alex moves from the windowsill to the bed.

"I'm fine Mother. Why do you always have to make things so difficult. I don't want or need a boyfriend, I'm happy with how things are", I only wish that was true, Alex continues, "My job is my job Mother. No, you're right, I don't always win cases but I try my goddamn hardest!"

I sigh quietly, as Alex continues

"There is nothing wrong with the way I dress. Or the way my hair is! I wish you'd just love me, Mother, love me as I am and stop trying to change me because I'm not good enough for you!" she grips the phone tight, "Good bye Mother"

Before she gets a chance to throw my cell. I take it from her hands and wrap my arms around her, I can feel the tears on my shoulder as I gently rock her

We sit like this for a little while, and I realise Alex has fallen asleep, I slip off her glasses, and lay them on the night stand. I wish Alex would tell her Mother how it makes her feel when she gets put down with the words. I make a mental note to approach the subject later.

I close my eyes and allow myself to drift off.

**Reviews still welcome. **


	19. Chapter 18

**Wanted to get this posted a little earlier but it's been a bit if a hectic day. Thank you for the continuing support through the reviews.**

**Hime no Kowai Shumi: I'm glad you liked the little humour I added, there'll be a little more as the story progresses. Yes, it is the first time Alex has stood up to her Mother, usually she would just agree to disagree and let it eat away at her, her rise in anger is an issue that will be addressed through other things as I progress the story.**

**Batpiggy: I am interested in the analysis you give after each chapter, that helps me a lot both with the story and through other things. Is much appreciated.**

**Olivia's POV**

_Beep…Beep…Beep_ I hear and am immediately woken. The smoke alarm? I question and can smell the burning of what smells like plastic…I jump up quickly. What on earth has happened? I notice Alex isn't beside me and rush out in the hall, there's a faint smell of smoke, but everything seems okay. I swat at the alarm, as it stops, and find Alex sitting on the kitchen floor, head in her hands, trembling.

I notice cartons of food in the trash, and the microwave is splattered with whatever the food was.

I kneel down beside her and ask "What happened?"

"I tried to cook dinner, but the plastic obviously doesn't go in the microwave" she says and I let out a chuckle

"It's not funny Liv!" she screams at me, "I just wanted to do something nice for you, and I fucked it up!"

I immediately kick myself, "you idiot" I mumble to myself, and I put my arm around her shoulders

"I'm sorry Alex. It was really sweet of you to do this. Let's see if we can't salvage something, eh?"

"I didn't mean to shout at you" she says, "I know you didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to make you dinner, and it went wrong and it got to me"

I nod and as I stand I offer her my hand to help her up from the floor.

"Shall I order in?" I ask and she nods and heads into the living room.

I follow her and ask "What do you fancy? Pasta again or we could have Chinese?"

"Can we have pizza?" she asks and I smile, "Ham and Pineapple? " she questions and I nod.

I order dinner and join her on the couch.

"I really didn't mean to ruin your microwave" she says, and I smile and say

"I know. Don't worry about it. We all have moments like that" I say, trying not to put my foot in it again.

I glance at the clock, it's a quarter to six and I think now's a time as any to find out what the conversation with her Mother was, and what we're going to do about it.

**Alex POV**

I feel so stupid, getting worked up over ruining dinner. I just wanted to do something nice, but again, I felt like I'd failed. It's always such an issue when things don't go my way. I think it's a control thing. I like to be able to control things but when I can't I snap.

I'm really hungry and wish the delivery guy would just come by already.

"Alex?" Olivia asks and I look at her, waiting for her to continue, "I think you should talk to your Mother"

"About?" I say, knowing exactly where this is heading

"How her words make you feel. I heard you shouting on the phone earlier. I know it upset you, it sounding as if she was saying things you didn't like to hear"

I shrug my shoulders, because I knew this was coming, I just hoped it would wait another day

"I don't think she's been a help Alex. Tell me to butt out if you want, but I think you need to tell her what's been going on. You can't hide it forever, though I know you've done a pretty good job so far. I'm proud of you telling me, and now you're getting help, maybe it's time to confront her and tell her exactly how it makes you feel when she puts you down"

I sigh, trying to think of what I'm meant to say. I know she's right, Olivia always is, but talking to her was so hard, and now I'm taking these pills and have to go and speak to someone else, my Mother just seems like an option that doesn't exist.

"I can't Olivia. She'll hate me. She won't want me near her, she'll just say that she was right, that I am a mess, that I am a failure. I know it's true" I say

"No, no, no, Alex. You are not a failure. Please, stop saying that. You need help and that is perfectly normal. No-one is strong all the time. You've had this problem for a long time, and it's just been your comfort zone for so long that shaking it is going to be hard but you, Alexandra are a fighter and you can do this. But you need to confront the issues, the deeper ones"

"But how?" I ask, "How do I stop my Mother from making me feel like that?"

"By telling her how it makes you feel. I heard you shouting at her, you were sticking up for yourself. That takes courage and strength and you have it"

"Would you come with me?" I ask. Gosh, I hate sounding so independent, like a spoilt child. Ugh, weak, I'm just so weak. "I sound like a child that needs it's comfort blanket. Grr, I hate feeling like this!"

"Hey, Hey. Of course I'll come, you just tell me when you want to go and I'll be right there with you, as a friend, okay?" she says and my heart descends ten feet under, at the mention of friend.

I nod and feel myself getting teary, just as the doorbell rings. Olivia pays for the Pizza and then carries them over to me. "Mmm, smells delicious" I say, and it really does. I can't believe how hungry I actually am.

We eat in silence, I'm just thinking about everything that's happened. The kiss? And then everything following and it still hurts as to why she hasn't tried to kiss me again. I try and reason that maybe it's because she thinks I need time, or that she doesn't know what we are but I can't help the nagging voice that tells me it's because I disgust her.

"Alex, sweetie. The Captain and Liz are coming over tomorrow, me and Liz are going to talk to him, do you want to sit with us while we do it, or do you want to tell him?"

I shake my head and say "Meet at the diner or something Liv"

"Are you sure you want to go out, wouldn't it be harder for you in public?" she asks

I shrug "I'm staying here. You go to the diner"

"I'm not leaving you Alex" she says and I begin to feel my anger rising, I can take care of myself. I can do this

"See?! You make me sound like an invalid. I don't need a babysitter, I don't need someone with me all the time. I just want to be alone for a bit. And I can't imagine sitting here while you discuss me in the next room or in front of my face!" I shout, shocking myself with the level of my voice, and I breathe heavily, realising that I'm shaking

**Olivia's POV**

Hearing the anger in her voice, it frightens me, because I can tell that this is another way of trying to keep it together. The cutting and stuff scares me, but I've never seen Alex angry in this way before. We argue about cases at work, but she's never shouted or screamed to the point where her whole body shakes like this.

"Alex" I say, "Calm down. You're shaking sweetheart. I'm sorry, maybe I approached the subject wrong. I didn't think how that might make you feel, and I know you're not an invalid, but I'm worried about you, you know that. I just don't like the idea of leaving you when you're struggling" I say, sighing,

I rest my hand on her shoulder, and although she doesn't flinch, she doesn't turn into me either.

"I'll be fine, Liv. I swear. I'll call you if I need you, I will" she says and I sigh again. It's not that I don't believe or trust her, but seeing what I have these last few days it just frightens me beyond control.

I nod, and give her a small smile, and she returns it, although it's not entirely natural, I'll take it as effort.

I take the plates and take them to the kitchen. Texting Cragen and Liz to meet me at 9am in the diner across the street as I settle back on the couch. I open my arms and Alex crawls into them.

We watch "Legally Blonde" and I smile when Alex laughs at some of the scenes, I love watching her laugh, and I haven't seen much of it before, my mind wanders back to that day in the Precinct when I literally stared her out of her skin with my eyes.

When the movie has finished, Alex excuses herself and tells me she's feeling tired and is turning in for the night. I plant a kiss on her forehead and she hurries into the bathroom to change. While she does, I slip on my pyjamas, and grab the pillow and some blankets for myself from the closet. Alex emerges, she's wearing her pyjamas, and while they cover her entire body, she still looks beautiful to me

"Night Liv" she says

And I smile and say "Sleep tight Princess" as she disappears into the bedroom.

**Review, Review, Review, You know you want to. :) Maybe another chapter coming today. **


	20. Chapter 19

**Another chapter. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support guys. I am glad you are enjoying this.**

**It gets a bit heavy in this chapter, and was a little tough to write.**

**Olivia's POV**

I'm sitting in the booth at the back of the diner, waiting for Liz Donnelly and the Captain to arrive. I've tried to find a seat that is the least obvious so that we can have this conversation without being overheard. As I wait, I muse on the events of the last week and more importantly, this morning. I had an uneasy feeling once I had left my apartment. Alex had been fairly upbeat this morning, although I could sense her mind was not fully on the task at hand.

I remember waking early, and falling back to sleep, and then we-awakening to the smell of coffee, and Alex gently shaking me awake

"Liv? Wake up babe. Liv? It's gone 8" I heard faintly while feeling a light touch on my shoulder,

Opening my eyes, I squinted to see Alex leaning over me, her slight cleavage in front of my eyes and a sweet smile on her lips

"Mmm" I say, "Is that coffee for me?"

Nodding, Alex said, "and I popped out earlier to get you a Muffin as well. I didn't want to burn or break anything else", I noticed the smile on her lips as I sat up, and I felt relaxed and pleased at this tone that she was talking in, it felt lighter and more the Alexandra Cabot I knew than she had been the last days.

As I left, I ask Alex to promise to call me, and she said "I will, I will. Now get going, you'll be late" promising me that she'd be fine.

Now, sitting here, I felt the sudden change in her behaviour a little unsettling, I couldn't put my finger on it but part of me was pleased that she seemed to be feeling much calmer than she had been. I look up and see Liz and Don enter the diner, signalling to them, they notice me and slide into the seat opposite me.

"How is she?" Liz asks and I sigh

"I'm not sure. She seemed so much more calmer this morning, but I'm not entirely sure it was all real" I say

"What's wrong Olivia?" Cragen asks and I run my hand through my hair

"Alex has been harming herself for a long time. We sort of kissed" at this Cragen raises his eyebrows in shock and looks at Liz who smiles at me and I continue, "when I tried to initiate more, she froze, but I didn't push her further or anything, and then she called in sick the next day. When I went round there, she had a complete break down and confessed that it started when she was 13 until she was 18 and then started again when she was 30, that's before she went walking in the rain in only a tracksuit"

"Well, I guess I should say that I always thought there was some tension between the pair of you when you argued, but as for the harming herself, do we know why?" Cragen asks

"I think after her Father died she found it harder to deal with things, they were very close, and her Mother always put her down, I don't know why. We're going to go and talk to her soon, I managed to convince Alex that confronting the reasons would help"

"When's her first counselling session, Liv?" Liz asks

"Tomorrow, I'm going to take her and wait. I hope she can open up to someone other than me. While I love her more than words can say, and want to be there to help, I can't be her sole supporter, I just don't know how to deal with it. When we went to hers to collect some things, I found her in the bathroom staring at the cupboard where her blades were, she wanted to take them with her. And then when she had to take her first tablet, she asked if she had to. She called her Mother and that didn't go well, I think she wanted to tell her but it ended up being that her Mother kept putting her down, and Alex got angry and screamed down the phone. And then there was the microwave incident"

At this, they raised their eyebrows in question

"Well, she tried to cook me dinner, and the meals exploded, she put the plastic tray in the microwave. We'd dozed after we'd talked for a little while, and she wanted to do something for me, but when I awoke, the smoke alarm was bleeping and she was sitting on the floor crying. I tried to comfort her but she just exploded into anger. I've never seen her like that before, that was almost worse than watching her try and hurt herself because even through all the times we've argued, never has she shaken like she did yesterday"

"That poor girl" Cragen said "She's always seemed to put together and strong, but I guess that is just an act"

"Yeah, she hurts herself every time she loses a case, regardless of the real reason, she always blames herself" I say

"I've managed to draft in a new ADA, Casey Novak from White Collar, she's a hard worker, and she seems to be managing okay" Liz says

"The guys seem to think she's okay too. I know they miss Alex and they are all a bit worried about her, and they've noticed you've taken the time off to be with her. I think they can sense it's serious, especially as Novak has been drafted and such, but I'm not sure what to tell them. They keep asking, and Elliot's not giving anything away, though I don't know what he knows or what he doesn't" Cragen adds

"He knows she was at the hospital. I asked him to call the local hospitals when I realised she'd gone but it's not my place to tell him or them. I don't know if Alex would want me to"

"I think we'll just leave it at that she's sick, and we'll see how it goes. I'm guessing you'll need more than just this week Liv?" he asks

I nod and say, "Yeah. I'll take a month, if that's okay. I think this is going to be a hard, long process and I'm not willing to leave Alex for too long. Saying that, We've been here for nearly half an hour, and I need to get back", aware that Alex hasn't text me, although you could say that is a good sign, I have an unnerving feeling in the pit of my stomach

"Okay, give her our love and tell her the guys miss her" Liz says as I head out the door

As I unlock the door, I can hear giggling and the sound of the tv. My heart smiles before my face does, because this doesn't sound right. Alex has barely smiled lately and as for the laughter, apart from watching Legally Blonde and that day in the squad room, I haven't heard her laugh before and this is a giggle that sounds a little too strange.

I notice the tv is on, but Alex isn't on the sofa, I notice a wine glass on the table and my heart literally explodes with a mixture of anger and fear, I walk into the kitchen, where Alex is leaning against the unit with a bottle of wine in her hand half drunk, and an empty bottle on the table.

"heeeey Liv. Come and have a drink with me" she slurs before burping and then giggling, "Oops, I think I had too much"

I can smell the strong stench coming from her breath as I reach for the bottle as she's bringing it to her lips. _Shit! Why did I leave her?_ I ask myself in my head

"Givememydrink, I-I-I was enjoying that" she half says, half mumbles as I pour the remaining down the sink. Just as I turn back, she burps louder before retching and puking over the floor

"I had too much" she repeats before sinking to her knees, retching again. I grab the bowl from the sink, catching the contents of breakfast and wine. The smell is overpowering and it makes me heave.

I guide Alex away from the mess on the floor, bringing the bowl with me, I help her into the bathroom, and position her over the toilet. She retches again and I hold back her hair and she brings up more of the wine

"Oh, Alex" I whisper, my heart breaking as she trembles beneath me touch.

I wet and rinse out a flannel and place it on her forehead, kneeling beside her and enveloping her in a tight hug. She slumps herself back and I take a minute to check her arms for any fresh cuts, relieved not see any, but not certain that it means she hasn't anywhere else, and aware that she has stopped vomiting, I lift her from the floor, and help her into the bedroom.

Helping her onto the bed, I pull her closer to me, as she says, "I l-l-love you" she stammers, and sinks further into me. I feel myself getting angry at myself for leaving her and that she probably had some idea of what she was going to do, as I recall the earlier actions, and cheerful tone that she displayed this morning. Knowing that she went out to get breakfast and that this is probably when she brought the second bottle of wine. I had a bottle already opened in the fridge, and recall that Alex also had a bottle in her fridge when I was at her apartment the other day. I wonder if drinking was another thing that she turned to regularly.

Once I am convinced that Alex has settled, I go into the kitchen, and pour a large glass of water for her. Glancing at the clock, I realise that is approaching 10am, Alex has drunken enough wine to last me an entire evening.

When I return to the bedroom, I notice Alex is sobbing into the pillow, her body still trembling, I help her sit, brushing her hair from her face and tell her to drink, she takes a couple of sips before pushing the water away, but I persist, knowing she needs non-alcohol fluids.

Once she has drunk the water she lays down, and closes her eyes, within minutes her breathing has become even and she's asleep. I then allow the first of my own tears to gently fall.

This is hurting me too and I don't know how else to help. I feel helpless.

**Alex's POV**

I open my eyes and squint at my surroundings. My head hurts like a thousand workmen are drilling holes into my skull or pounding the walls with hammers. I try and sit up, but I feel dizzy and lay myself back onto the bed. I try and remember why I'm here, it's definitely day time, as the sun is shining through the window and I am fully dressed. I remember Olivia leaving, and me opening the wine, and then it gets a bit hazy. Did Olivia come back yet? I wonder, and as I try and sit again, I feel nauseous.

"Liv" I croak out, wondering why my throat feels dry, "Liv" I try again, a little louder than before.

I lean over and notice some water on the bedside unit, I reach out for it before knocking it to the ground with a crash. I sigh, and try and sit again, as I do, Olivia comes rushing in

"Hey, lay back down" she says, looking at the broken glass and water on the floor, as I see the glass, my body begins to scream at me for pain, and I feel my eyes getting teary.

I can't focus on anything but the glass, and I remember, wanting to cut, wanting to take the pain inside away, and drinking the wine instead.

"Alex? Alex? Al, look at me. Stop looking at it" she says sternly, and turns my head away, I can feel the tears on my cheeks

"Water" I manage and as Olivia rushes to the kitchen, my eyes once again fall on the glass.

_"You want to" I hear a voice say, "Go on, do it"_

_"No" I reason_

_"Go on. Pick it up. You want to feel" I hear again_

_"No", I say silently to the voice_

_"But you want it so badly. Just do it" the voices urges_

I reach out and I hear

"Alex! Don't you dare" coming from the doorway, my hands are shaking, but I'm hovering above the glass

Then I feel a hand on mine, pulling it away.

"You don't need to. Hear, drink this" she says, handing me the cup of water

I sip it slowly, my head still throbbing with the after effect of Alcohol and the voice that keeps laughing at me. I then look at Olivia who's eyes are red and puffy. She's been crying, I realise. It's all I need to break down and I sob into Olivia's shoulder. I'm hurting her more than I realise. I then begin to feel angry and annoyed at myself. I need help. I'm not going to give in, I'm going to fight this, I tell myself.

**I had to bring Casey into the story somehow. I'm not following a timeline from the show to be honest. But I love Casey just as much as I love Alex and Liv. When Casey first appeared, I really didn't like her, because she'd taken my beautiful Alex's place but in time, I grew to love her just as much. And when they were in "Ghost" together, it was the best episode ever. I wish they had put them together in Season 13, because there never was any interaction, which never seemed right to me. They shared a job but were never seen together. So, she'll make an appearance in a few chapters time.**

**Review of course.**


	21. Chapter 20

**Only a short chapter, but it's more a break than anything before the story continues. **

**Olivia's POV**

I stay holding Alex as she cried, after what seemed like forever but in truth was only a few minutes, she whispered "I'm sorry"

"It's okay baby, I'm sorry I left you. I knew something wasn't right this morning"

"I'm sorry" she whispers again "I just wanted to block it all out"

"I know, I know" I say but I really don't know. Maybe it's my own experiences with my Mother, but I feel angry with Alex for turning to Alcohol. I like a drink here and there, especially after a tough case, but I always space out what I'm drinking, and make sure I have something lining my stomach beforehand.

"I didn't mean to upset you Liv" she says quietly, "I know you've been crying". I thought she hadn't noticed but I guess there are a lot of things that I thought that have turned out opposite to my ideals.

"It hurts me to see you like this Alex. I love you so much that it breaks my heart to see this pain, and I don't know how to help you"

"I'm so selfish, so stupid" she says and I sigh, getting her to change her way of thinking is going to be really hard

"No, Alex. You are not stupid! You are a bright, clever, successful woman. I wish you'd see that. And you are not selfish. I know that if it was me in your position, you'd want to help me"

"I would and I do. I know there are things you haven't told me Liv" she says and I nod, because she's right. Nothing comes close to how Alex feels though, with me, it's just relationship insecurities, but we'll get to them when the time is right

"Yes, I have issues. But I'm concentrating on you, right now. I love you Alex" I say

"Why won't you kiss me?" she asks

I'm confused, as to where this questioning is coming from. I have kissed her, twice now, she's initiated it both times, maybe that's what she means

"What do you mean Alex?" I ask

"Exactly what I asked. Ever since I've shown you, you won't kiss me. I'm disgusting aren't I?" she says, and I feel her trembling again

"No" I say, leaning forward, I let my lips brush hers, she opens her mouth slightly in an attempt to deepen it but I pull away

"See. You won't kiss me properly" she says, and I can see the tears on her face. She turns away and I sigh, her low confidence and self hatred kills me.

"Alex? Alex. God damn it Alex, look at me" I say, I can hear the anger in my voice, I don't mean to be angry, but I just wish she'd see the truth. She turns her head to look at me, the tears still on her cheeks .

"I won't kiss you like that because I know I'd want more and you can't give it to me yet, can you? I want to see you, and kiss you, and I want to make love to you, but not right now. You need to be comfortable, in a safer place, before we let our relationship move forward. I love you more than words, and it hurts me to see you hurting, and I don't know what I'm meant to do. You've been given medication, and you're seeing the counsellor on Monday. Let's get you to a place where you're feeling better and then we'll move forward okay?"

She nods and leans forward to kiss me. I allow her to enter and we make out for a few minutes, when we pull pack she giggles and says, "That was nice"

"Mmm, it was" I say, and kiss her on the cheek.

**Alex's POV**

We lay for a few minutes, and my stomach starts to growl at me, Olivia laughs and says "I think you're hungry, it is nearly half 2. I cooked some noodles and I have some chicken pieces if you fancy it. I can warm the noodles"

It sounds really nice, and I've got to take my tablet too, "Sounds good. Can you get me some juice Liv, I've got to take my meds"

She smiles and I see her body relax, I'm determined to try my best, determined to win this fight. I won't let her down. I won't let myself down this time.

She returns with the juice and I take my tablet, and head out into the kitchen. The smell of noodles and chicken feels the air, and I lick my lips. Olivia hands me a dish and we sit on the couch in the living room.

I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in a few days, and as I eat, I find myself thinking of what it would be like to see Liv naked, I haven't allowed myself to think of our relationship deepening, because I wasn't sure that it would, or that Olivia would stay long enough. But after our chat and realising how much I'm hurting her by hurting myself, it's made me think. I'm ready to make this work, ready to start living, properly.

**Reviews welcome as always. When we return, some time has been skipped (not much, don't worry) and you'll be brought up to speed on the contents of the previous day.**


	22. Chapter 21

**We've skipped Sunday but it hasn't been forgotten. Thank you again for all the support.**

**Olivia's POV**

I'm sitting here in the local clinic waiting room, Alex is in with Dr Rhodes for her first session. I was extremely nervous this morning and I could tell Alex was too, she was very quiet on the way here. I let her be with her thoughts, but attempted to show her I was here, by giving her thigh an affectionate squeeze, and holding her hand when the traffic would allow.

Yesterday was a relaxing day, Alex was visibly calmer and I could tell that it was genuine. She had worn a short sleeve t-shirt around the house for the first time, and I could tell this was a big step for her, so I tried to be as helpful as I could, without staring but making sure I didn't avert my gaze so that she thought I didn't want to look. Sitting here, my mind wanders to yesterday morning when she came from the bathroom, wearing her dark jeans and a slim fitting grey t-shirt, her freshly washed hair hanging over her shoulders, with bare feet and a shy and nervous smile on her lips

_"You look beautiful baby" I said quietly as she came towards me, and sat beside me on the couch, I opened my arms and she snuggled close to me, the smell of her honey and vanilla shampoo on her hair was sweet and captivating, "You smell wonderful too" I whispered, stroking her cheek._

_"I love you" she said, looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes, like the ocean but only calmer in the moment,_

_"I love you too" I said, "More than you ever know"_

_We sat for what seemed like forever, watching random snip bits of different shows, while every now and again I'd tell her how beautiful she was, and she'd blush, and tell me I was pretty good looking myself. Every now and again, I'd stroke her cheek and kiss her gently on the lips, cheek, forehead, and she'd sigh and snuggle closer._

_After we had sat for what seemed like all morning, but in reality was only around 10am, I tentatively stroked her right arm, she flinched and went to pull away, but when I whispered, "I love every part of you, I just want you to know", she blinked away a few tears and allowed me to continue._

_I watched her eyes, watched her reaction as I continued to thumb the smaller scars on the underside of her arm just below her elbow, every now and then I'd feel her body tense, and I'd pause until she relaxed before I continued._

_I didn't push for words or explanations, just allowed myself to understand every scar. I took both of her hands, and lent forward, brushing my lips against hers as she closed her eyes_

_"I love you, every part of you, I want to learn everything, know you inside and out. Will you let me do that?" I asked quietly,_

_And she nodded, "I love you too Liv. I'm sorry for everything and anything and I'm never giving us up, ever"_

_That was the confirmation I needed in that moment that she'd try and I'd be there through it all._

I smile, just remembering. I am pulled from my thoughts by the opening of the door and Gina's voice

"Same time Thursday" and Alex entered the hallway as the door closed behind her.

I wanted to ask if everything was okay but I reasoned that it wouldn't be after the first session, knowing it must have been tough. So I take her hand, as we walk to the car.

Once I am belted in, and Alex too, I tentatively ask, "What would you like to do? Shall we go home or are you hungry?"

Alex sighs and turns to me, she allows a small smile and says, "I'm starving. Can we eat out?" she asks " I just want to do something normal for a little while"

And I nod, "Anything you want. What do you fancy?"

"Surprise me" she says, the smile returning, "But first I want you to kiss me"

I lean over, unbuckling the seatbelt, and holding both cheeks I bring our lips together, it's gentle but comforting and I allow her to return the kiss, there's a hunger and force behind it which startles me and I pull away

"Liv" she whispers, "I love you"

"I love you too" I whisper and bring our lips together, it becomes deeper and I shift myself closer as I wrap my hands around her neck, when we need air, she pulls back and sighs, "Lunch" she says, and I nod. Buckling myself back in and turning on the engine.

**Alex's POV**

Olivia has stopped at a small diner that I've never eaten at, "They do the best grilled cheese" she says smiling, and I smile back

"Sounds delicious" I say, leaning into the back seat to reach my purse and bottle of water. Taking my medication has become second nature now, and although it hasn't taken effect as yet and probably won't for at least another week, taking it makes me feel a lot calmer than I expected.

I sit here and let my mind wander back to the Dr's Office, and the conversation with Gina.

_"Tell me something" she asks_

_"What?" I say shrugging "I don't know what you want me to say"_

_"I want you to say whatever you feel in this moment. As much or as little as you share, it's enough"_

_I sigh and say "I'm hurting Olivia" and she nods, "Your girlfriend?" she enquires and I nod waiting for her to say something but realise that she wants me to talk without prompting me in any particular direction, "I scare her, and that scares me"_

_"How?" she asks and I shrug, I don't know to be honest, "What scares you about scaring her?"_

_"I don't want to hurt her. She says she loves me, and I love her. I don't want her to run out on me" and as I say this, I realise how silly it sounds, she hasn't ran yet, but still it doesn't do much to calm my fears_

_"Have you told her this?" she asks and I nod "Do you want to get better?"_

_I sigh and say, "I want to make her happy", I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes, and she nudges a box of tissues closer to me_

_"But do you want to get better for her, or for yourself"_

_"Her" I say, "And me. I want to for us both", she nods before speaking_

_"That's good. What about family?"_

_I shake my head and once again the tears begin to fall. This time I can't stop them, they're falling quickly. I bring my legs up to my chest, and sigh. "Just my Mom"_

_"What does she know?" she asks and I sigh again before answering_

_"Nothing. W-when I w-w-was…17, she caught m-me cutting, and told me I-I" I breathe in, trying to compose myself, "She said I disgust h-her" I say, choking on the last word_

_"And you've never told her why you do it, or why you did?" she prompts and I shake my head_

_"She didn't ask. She just carried on pushing me away and putting me down" I say, "I wanted to make her proud but she just made a joke about everything, the lack of boyfriends, my hair, my weight, when I didn't get straight A's. I j-j-just wanted to make her h-happy"_

_"What about now? How's your relationship now?" she asks,_

_"The same" I say, sighing. I take another tissue and wipe my eyes and blow my nose, "She keeps trying to get me dates with men, telling me I don't belong in SVU"_

_"SVU?" she asks_

_"I'm an ADA for the Special Victims Unit, NYPD" I explain "My girlfriend is a detective with the squad" I say, smiling, talking about Olivia makes feel all goose bumpy_

_"We'll talk about that next time. For now, I want you to consider contacting your Mother, make sure Olivia's beside you, tell her you need to talk in person and make arrangements to meet for next week, I want you to get that far and then we'll discuss further where we go from there"_

_I nod and sigh, this first session actually went better than I expected. And I'm actually more relaxed than I thought I would be._

"Alex? Alex? Are you okay?" I faintly hear Olivia's voice before she touches my shoulder and makes me jump

"Uh? I- Oh-Yeah, I was just thinking" I manage to say and give a small smile

"Want to talk about it?" she asks

"Yes, I do, but at home. Let's go get lunch first"

**Let me know what you think about this chapter, I wasn't sure about the flashbacks to earlier conversations that weren't portrayed. **


	23. Chapter 22

**So we've skipped forward a week. Still overwhelmed by the views this is getting. And please if you read and like what you're reading, let me know, or if you have ideas or thoughts, or think something doesn't read right, let me know. **

**Alex's POV**

It's been a week since my first appointment with Dr Rhodes, and a little over a week taking my medication. And here I am, sitting on the couch in Olivia's living room, curled up in a ball, shaking like a leaf from the constant vomiting and headaches. This is exactly what I didn't want, and the reason I was apprehensive of taking the medication.

Olivia had been a godsend, making me soup, sitting with me on the bathroom floor while I violently retched into the toilet, placing wet flannels on my head when I ran a fever, I feel like a little girl but it also feels nice to be taken care of.

My head was in and out of the different discussions and moments we'd spent together this past week, and I smiled at everyone, even the conversations that I didn't want to have are comforting. The closeness that Olivia gives and the neediness in which I receive had been a topic of this morning's session with Gina.

_"Alex, How have you been since our last session?" Dr Rhodes asks_

_"Okay" I say, "The medication has been making me sick but Olivia's been so supportive"_

_"In what way does she support you?"_

_"Just holding me after I throw up, making sure I don't have a temperature, making me breakfast, lunch, dinner"_

_"How does that make you feel?" she asks,_

_I never know what she means when she asks that, does she want me to tell her that I like the comfort and safety Olivia offers or that I get annoyed that I don't get to do these things for myself._

_"It's nice. I feel loved" I say, which is true_

_"But?"_

_"Why does there need to be a but?" I ask_

_"That wasn't a complete answer you gave but don't worry, we'll come back to that._

I come out of thought mode as Olivia sits next to me. She seems to know when I want to snuggle and when I want distance and that's intriguing, how she can read me so well. We've decided to go up to my Mother's tomorrow, and after talking with Dr Rhodes last Thursday about how to approach the subject, I feel more relaxed and knowing that Olivia will be there gives me more confidence than I feel. I also asked Olivia if she'd take me to my Father's grave before we went to my Mother's, I want him to meet her, and her to meet him. And I know it will give me that little bit more confidence to explain and open up to my Mother. I'm terrified to be honest, but I've prepared myself for the snide comments and put downs, and I'm determined not to let them get to me.

"You feeling any better?" she asks, putting her hand to my forehead "You don't seem as warm now as you did. Fancy some soup or something?"

I nod, my throat sore and dry, I attempt a smile and Olivia plants a chaste kiss on my lips before heading into the kitchen to warm the soup. Chicken and Lemongrass soup always soothes my throat, and I was pleased to know that it helped Olivia too when she was feeling unwell.

I've become accustomed to wearing t-shirts more confidently when around the apartment, and although sometimes I feel self conscious about the scars, seeing them heal pushes me to keep going. I have had thoughts about cutting, and sometimes when me and Olivia disagree I pinch my skin, but she's very observant of this fact, and when she can see me getting angry and frustrated, she's able to calm me, and soothe away the thoughts with just comforting hugs and words.

"Here you go my everything" she says handing me a bowl of steaming soup. "My everything" had become her affectionate pet name for me over the last week, and that along with "Sweet Cheeks" was enough to make me melt.

"Mmm" I say taking a spoonful after blowing gently.

"Is it good?" Liv asks, cocking her head to the side

"Perfect, Pineapple Chink" I say winking, and giving her a small smile. I had adopted this nickname for her, after she'd insisted on nicking all the pineapple from my Pizza twice this past week.

After the soup had been eaten, I take my medication and silently pray that I don't bring it up along with the soup while Olivia was searching for a DVD. She came back grinning and kissed me hungrily on the lips before pulling away.

When she does that so unexpectedly I don't get a chance to respond and it's driving me crazy. I want to feel her in every way possible and the day that we make love for the first time, I know it will be special. As much as my body aches for it, I'm still not 100% ready for her to see every part of me. The day I first showed her the scars, I was doing it more for myself, to prove myself a point and just to get it over and done with, but the intimacy of being that close where she could see every single scar and wonder why every single one was made was a little overpowering at the moment.

"I got Titanic" she says and I gasp, that is one of my favourite movies, the romance and whole tragedy thing tugs at my heart strings, and I never fail to cry when watching it.

She plugs it in, before crawling in behind me and position herself so I was between her legs, and leaning back against her. She moans as she kisses my neck, nuzzling into the skin and nipping at my earlobe. I murmur "Feels nice" as the film begins to start.

**Olivia's POV**

It feels weird to sit like this with Alex, but it feels right at the same time. I've kissed a few girls when I was at the end of my teenage years, just experimenting, but I've always dated guys, even though the thought of a relationship terrifies me. I want to make this work, I really do love Alex, and I don't think I've ever felt like that with any of the men that I've been with, ever.

I want to make things better and be there for her, although at the same time, I'm not totally sure of her feelings towards me, I'm not sure if she really does feel the same, or whether it's because she needed a friend, and someone to comfort her, and I was just there. I don't know if she's ever been with a woman, but at the same time, I'm not sure she's had many relationships. She won't let anyone see the scars, and I don't know how many were from when she was younger, but I doubt she's really let anyone get close enough to see.

We watch the film in silence, we're both crying and giggling at our soppiness and it's relaxed and feels good. The film ends and we continue to sit in comfort and then I decide that now is a god time as any to discuss us. Seeing as we are going to her Mother's tomorrow, maybe we need to both know exactly where our relationship is headed and how we can give it a chance to grow if that's what we both want. I still don't know a lot about Alex, and she knows even less about me.

"Alex, sweetie" I say and she turns to look at me

"Mmm?" she mumbles, I can tell she was content to be sitting like this

"I want to talk to you about something" I say, "I want us to have a relationship. Is that what you want?"

She nods and says, "I do. I want to be with you, Liv. I've never been in a long term relationship, I've dated guys but I've never let them see any part of me, as soon as it gets to the point where I know they want sex, I freak out and end it"

"Alex, Are you a virgin?" I ask, not really sure why I'm asking this, but it just seems like a question that I need to ask, it doesn't change anything about how I feel. Alex is 37, it just doesn't seem viable that she's a virgin but I don't know, it's just something I thought

"No!" she says jumping away from me, and I'm not sure if the tone is anger or shock at the question

"Sorry" I mumble, "It's just you said that you freak when they want sex, and…" I trail off

She leans back closer to me, and sighs "I lost my virginity when I was 15, there was this guy in my class and.."

"You don't need to tell me about it, Alex. Unless you want to. I'm sorry for asking"

"Don't be" she says, "It was horrible and awkward. We sort of didn't really talk, we'd have sex and he'd leave, and then send me flowers and text me a few days later, and we'd have sex again, until I didn't want to anymore and he got angry and he hit me"

My mind goes into overdrive at this piece of information. Someone hit her. She's just told me this without any hesitance. That's good, but now I'm concerned, and angry at this person. What else did he do?

"How many times Alex?"

"Just the once, he didn't rape me or anything Liv. He just slapped me, pushed me to the wall and kissed me, hard and walked away. Next thing I know, he's dating Sally Richardson, like proper dating her, not just sex like it was with me. He used me"

"Oh sweet cheeks" I say, stroking her cheek as she did so "You didn't deserve that. Thank you for telling me, and I'm sorry for asking that question"

"No, no, I'm glad you did Olivia. We need to learn more about each other if this is going to work. I know that all my problems aren't a basis for a relationship, I sort of dragged you into it, and that was wrong of me. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and in talking to Gina, it's allowed me to find part of myself, allowed me not to be afraid at everything. I'm petrified of tomorrow, but I know you're with me, and I know I can get through it. Whether my Mother disowns me or not, how she reacts to what I say, as long as I've got you I can get through it"

"As long as you have yourself, Alex. I'm not going anywhere, but you can get through it because you are strong, I'm just a pillar propping you up, but you are strong, never doubt that. Look how far you've come in only a little over a week. You opened up to me, you're getting counselling, taking medication, you're strength is obvious, you're going to confess to your Mother, to stand up for yourself, you're wearing short sleeves and telling me things that before you couldn't"

"I suppose" she says and I sigh

"Believe me, Alex. You ARE strong, I know you are"

"But I still think about cutting every day Liv"

"Of course you do, it's been a big part of your life for a long time. You stopped before, didn't you, without the help, by yourself because you knew you didn't need it"

"That wasn't easy either"

"No, but you did it, and you're doing it again, this time with help. You haven't cut in over a week, Alex, that's good"

As I say this, I catch something in her eyes. Her eyes always were expressive, and that captivates me, how they change colour when she's laughing, when she's upset, tense and now they've changed again, she turns her head away and I recognise the look, guilt.

"Alex? Have you cut since you told me?" I say quietly

She won't look at me, and I know that gives me an answer. I look at her arms, but I can't see any scars, I rub my hand along her thigh over her tracksuit bottoms and she flinches. I notice she's trying not cry. I wrap my arms around her.

"Oh Alex. I thought you were coping okay, why didn't you come to me?"

"You're angry" she says quietly

Shaking my head I say, "No, I'm not. I'm disappointed, not that you cut, don't think that, but that you didn't come to me Alex. Even if you had after you cut, I wouldn't have been angry. I would have listened"

"I disgust you" she says

"No, you don't Alex. You're beautiful, every single part of you. You're more than special to me. You're my everything. Don't ever think that you disgust me, because you don't. But next time you feel like cutting, or doing anything to yourself, tell me and we'll work through it together, I'll listen to anything your feeling, and we'll tackle it"

"Thank you" she whispers

"Nothing to thank me for Alex. I'm not doing anything great, I love you, and I'm here for you. Always"

I lean down and capture her lips with mine. When we break apart I notice she's crying, I swipe away the tears with my thumb and kiss her again, gently.

"What about you Olivia? Have you ever had someone special in your life?" she asks

"I do now" I say, "I've dated guys Alex. But when I was a teen, I kissed a few girls. I've never loved anyone before, but I know I love you. It scares me though. I've never been good with the whole relationship thing"

"Really? You've never been in love"

"Not until now. I know what this is Alex. I love you from the deepest part of me. I want this to work, and I'll never give up on you, or us"

She's crying again, but I know these are happier tears, or at least I think they are

"I love you too. I don't know if I've ever loved any of the guys I've been with but if I did, not like this. Why are you scared of relationships?" she asks

I sigh but know I must tell her, she's opened up to me, and relationships are about trust and being equal "Half of me comes from an Alcoholic and the other comes from a rapist, someone I never knew"

"So it scares you because?" I can hear in her voice that she doesn't understand, but really I don't either "Your Mother wasn't an alcoholic until after you were born, right, or until after she was raped"

"No, I guess I'm scared because of my genes. I don't want to hurt you, Alex, and it scares me because I don't know who I am"

"I do. You are Detective Olivia Benson, a kind, compassionate woman who works her hardest catching abusers, rapists, killers, you empathise with the victims. You're a good person, Olivia. You can't change what genes you have, but you haven't turned out like either of your parents. You wouldn't hurt me, and if you did, we'd figure it out, have you ever hurt any of the guys you've dated?"

"No, but they were guys, they'd fight back"

"So would I, but you won't hurt me. I do know some things about self-defence, I took a couple of classes before I graduated law school. Let's try this, Liv. I want to be with you, you want to be with me, we love each other. That's why you ran out of the squad room that time, isn't it?"

I nod, "Yeah. I knew I felt something for you, that I've never felt before and that scared me, because I don't want you hurt"

"But I've been hurt before. I'm still hurting, but with you here, I feel safer"

She kisses me hard, then climbs onto my lap so she straddling me. I feel a bolt of electricity run through my body, and a familiar pull in my stomach. We make out for what seems like forever, and when we come up for air, she laughs, a genuine laugh that overpowers her body

"When the time is ready, making love to you, is gonna be breathtaking" she says, and I know she's right. When the time comes, it will be special.

**So tomorrow they confront Alex's Mother, will Alex have the confidence to open up? How will her Mother react? Follow the story to find out.**


	24. Chapter 23

**Had a bit of time on my hands today, so another chapter for you **

**Alex's POV**

We've just pulled into the driveway of my childhood home and the home in which my Mother still lives. It's a well built house, with red brick walls, lots of flowers in the front yard, and a white fence enclosing it all. It's typical of many of the houses in this neighbourhood. Growing up in West Hempstead wasn't all that bad really, the beauty of the countryside and nature was often therapeutic, going to a Public School when you have rich parents was tough. I was shy, and my confidence was never that high even before I reached my teens but towards the end of High School, and once I was accepted at Harvard, I was relatively pleased to see the back of West Hempstead and I wanted to make my Father proud.

We've decided to visit my Father's grave after meeting with my Mother, as Olivia thinks it would be a welcome distraction in the instance that my Mother doesn't accept what I'm telling her.

I am really nervous, and I think Olivia is too, she's been quiet for most of the journey, and although I would like some normal conversation, I know that our thoughts are at other places.

I see my Mother waiting on the porch, and I take a deep breath, Olivia takes me hand and gives it a squeeze, I look at her and she smiles, "You ready?" she asks

"No" I say, "But let's do this before I chicken out"

I get out of the car and my Mother runs to greet me, she puts her arms around me, and squeezes for all of two seconds before saying, "You're eating too much in New York, Alexandra", the digs have started before we've even got inside

I purposely ignore her and turn to Olivia, "Olivia, this is my Mother Catherine Cabot, Mother this is Olivia"

"Pleasure to meet you, Mrs Cabot" Olivia says, extending her hand but my Mother ignores it and says to me,

"Who is she?"

I take a deep breath, and reach for Olivia's hand, she gives my hand a squeeze and I say, "I work with her, and she's my girlfriend"

My Mother looks at me and then at Olivia and coughs really loudly, "You're having a laugh" she says

"No Mother. I'm serious. Can we go in?" I ask, and walk into the house still holding Olivia's hand, I know this isn't going to go well, I didn't expect it to.

I take a seat in the living room and Olivia sits next to me, still holding my hand she gives it another squeeze and smiles at me, I lean and kiss her on the cheek as my Mother enters the room

"Really Alexandra, do you need to be so disgusting. You are not a lesbian" she says

"Sit down Mother" I say, sounding braver than I feel but she continues to stand, glaring at Olivia

"I love your daughter very much, Miss Cabot" Olivia says

"I'm not having you near a dyke Alexandra" My Mother tells me completely ignoring Olivia

"She isn't a dyke Mother. We aren't Lesbians in the normal sense of the word, we love one another, she is my first love and I am hers. I love Olivia, Mother"

She scoffs and takes a seat, "So this is why you came over is it?"

"Yes, and no Mother" I say, taking a deep breath, "I'm fed up of you putting me down, ever since Daddy died you've never been happy with anything I do. I was never good enough for you, and it's just got worse since he died. I have a good job Mother, I have my own place, and I have a brilliant Girlfriend"

"That's not true Alexandra, you could have done much better than just an ADA, you could have been Bereau Chief, or have your own law firm, you could do some much better. And that place you live in, it's dingy and the security is god damn awful, that guard on the door wouldn't hurt a fly and the crime rate in the city is revoltingly high"

"Mother, will you listen to yourself! My job is brilliant, I'm doing good, you always were so stuck up. Do you remember when I was 17, you caught me cutting myself, you said I was disgusting, but you didn't see, I was hurting. I miss Daddy and you always tell me I'm not good enough! Well I still cut Mother, I did until I was 18 and then when I lost my first case 7 years ago, I called you, but you didn't listen to me Mother, you just kept saying that I was doing a job below my class. I haven't stopped cutting since!" I scream, I can feel my anger boiling over now, and Olivia has put her arm around me. I can feel myself shaking and the tears are threatening to fall

"You're sick Alexandra. Sick in the head, I say. Let your girlfriend take care of you. I don't have a daughter. My daughter would never stoop low enough and talk to me like that"

The tears come quick and fast, and I can't sit here any longer, I need to go home. I get up and run to the front door, slamming it behind me, I sink to my knees.

**Olivia's POV**

I cannot believe her Mother would say those things. My own Mother said some nasty things, when she was drunk, but never did she insult me when she was in complete control of her thoughts.

"Alex is a smart, beautiful woman, who has found life tough since her Father died and you've never been a Mother, you've never seen her for what she is. Strong, and clever, she's fun to be around, she works her hardest and cares deeply about other people. I am proud that she's my girlfriend, and you should be proud that she's your daughter. You've hurt her since she was small and you continue to do so"

"Her name is Alexandra, and she isn't my daughter anymore!" she screams at me, I cannot believe it, I shake my head, I can't listen to this, I fight back tears of anger and pain for Alex. She doesn't need to see me upset too.

I go outside and find Alex crying her heart out as she sits on the ground, she's shaking violently, and mumbling "Don't do it, don't do it, cutting is weak, I'm not weak, crying is weak, I'm weak, I'm weak"

"Alex, You are NOT weak, let it out baby, let it all out" I say, crouching beside her. We sit for a few minutes and I let Alex cry while I wrap my arm around her shoulder.

After a few minutes, she lets out a long sigh "Can we go see my Dad?" she asks and I smile

"O f course"

I help her to her feet and over to the car. I help her get in, as she is still trembling slightly. Once I shut the car door. I breathe in deeply and get in.

"Are you okay?" I ask, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze

She nods, but doesn't answer, I'll give her some time.

We drive to the Southampton Cemetery in silence, and when I stop the car Alex gets out and walks down the pathway, I get out and follow a short distance behind, she stops by a grave and turns to me, she motions me towards her, "Come meet my Father" she says "Daddy, I want you to meet my Girlfriend Olivia. I love her Daddy, she's a wonderful woman"

"Hey Mr Cabot, I would have loved to have met you. I promise you I'll take care of your daughter, she's very special to me, and you'd be proud of her. She's absolutely beautiful, and kind and funny, she has a big heart and it hasn't been easy for her, but she's strong and I promise you, I'm going to love her like she deserves to be loved. I'll never hurt her intentionally and I'll always support her"

I look at Alex and I notice tears streaming down her face as she looks at me. "Come here" I say and open my arms to her, we stand in this embrace for ages, and then she kisses me sweetly on the lips

"Did you mean all that?" she asks and I nod,

"Of course I did. Are you ready to go home?"

"Home, as in my apartment?"

"No, home as in mine. Where you've been staying, is that what you want, or do you want to go to yours. I know we haven't discussed arrangements and that yet, it's been a hectic start to our relationship, which is fine, that's okay" I say, making sure she knows that I don't regret anything "but I like having you around. I'd love to have you stay permanently, if you'd like. You don't have to, but I've got a month of remember, so you're welcome to stay until I go back to work and then it's up to you. I really would love you to move in though, or I could move to yours, it's entirely up to you"

"You really wouldn't mind me moving in? I don't know Liv, it's a bit quick, I want to, but I don't know"

"That's fine, you think about it. We can discuss it again in a couple of weeks if that makes it easier"

She nods and kisses me again, "Let's go home"

**Will Alex and her Mother speak again. What's next for Olivia and Alex's relationship? **


	25. Chapter 24

**I don't know how this story is going, and whether you are still enjoying. I want to get further into it but I know it takes time, so bare with me. **

**Olivia's POV**

When we'd gotten home, I'd cooked the lasagne that I'd prepared the night before and we'd eaten, sharing conversations about random likes and dislikes, we'd learnt to become more open with each other, sharing things and allowing the other to ask questions. I'd made a point of making sure that Alex knew that if I'd asked a question that she didn't want to answer, that I wouldn't force her but to make sure she told me, and not upset herself trying to answer, and she had promised to do the same.

Now wearing my pyjamas, I was sitting on the sofa waiting for Alex, she was still unable to change in front of me, but I was beginning to see more of her beautiful body, and I guessed this was one of the things she'd discussed with the therapist, we didn't talk much about what was said in the sessions, and after each one, Alex was often very quiet, and I could tell she was thinking things through.

When Alex came out of the bathroom, I felt my heart beat ten thousand times a minute, she was wearing a pair of light blue satin shorts and a matching camisole, she looked absolutely beautiful. She was trying to avert her gaze away from me, and I knew it was embarrassment and fear of rejection, but I wasn't focused on the scars, they were there but so was she, and she was breathtakingly beautiful.

I motioned for her to come a little closer, and as she did so, I could see she was trembling, so I stood and closed the gap, taking her hands in mine, "You're beautiful"

She blushed but wouldn't look at me directly. I touched her cheek gently and whispered, "Look at me", she slowly turned and I felt my heart break, she had tears sliding down her cheeks, I thumbed them away and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips, pulling away before either of us could deepen it, I sat and pulled her into my lap

"You're beautiful" I said again "My everything"

We sat quietly for a little while, and she looked up at me, and gave a small smile "Come to bed with me" she whispered quietly

My eyes went wide for a little bit and my heart beat extremely fast. I think Alex could feel it because she put her hand to my chest and said "I just want you to hold me tonight"

I knew this was a big step for her. So I nodded and she led me into my bedroom. It didn't feel weird that she was leading me towards my own room, it felt natural as if it was a space shared and I knew that she needed control after today.

**Alex's POV**

I'm lying next to Olivia on her bed, my head on her chest, listening to her heart beat steady. I had felt it quicken when I asked her to come to bed with me, and I sensed that her body wanted more, that she wanted more but I'm not ready yet, I'm gradually finding it easier, but it still frightens me. I've been discussing this with Gina, and she gave me some ideas on how to get comfortable with letting Olivia see, I still find it hard to see my reflection, and I think that's what the fear is, seeing the scars would make me nauseous, yet in the moment when I would cut that didn't matter.

Olivia is thumbing over the scars on my wrist, gently tracing each one, she's done this a few times when we've snuggled together on the sofa, she doesn't ask why or if I remember each one. I thought it would make me more self conscious, or upset me, but the contact is comforting, and it feels like she's touching me like anyone would their girlfriend. I know she's probably deep in thought, wondering about them.

"You are so beautiful" she says quietly

"You're pretty hot yourself Detective" I say, and she chuckles quietly

"Never did I think I'd hear Alexandra Cabot tell me she thought I was hot" she says, and I flinch at the mention of my full name. Only my Mother calls me that, I hate the formality, although it's the name I'm addressed to when in the courtroom. I sigh at the thought of work, I miss it so much, I didn't think I would but I find myself wondering how Casey Novak is getting on, she's a pretty good Attorney, that much is true, and I know she'd do a great job, it just worries me, this whole work thing

"Are you okay, Alex? You went quiet there"

"Just thinking is all" I say

"Want to share?" she asks

Sighing, I say "Just work. I miss it"

She adjusts herself so she can look at me properly, "You'll get back there soon Alex"

"I know, It just makes me feel like…I'm giving up"

"On what? You're getting yourself better, we all need time off sometimes and that's not giving up, it takes strength to face things. You're doing really well, trust me, you are"

"I just tried to work so I didn't think, but work would make me think"

"I know, I know. I throw myself into work too, but when I get time alone, work is what I think about, and the cases and life but we all need a break, this is doing me good too"

"But you can't stay with me when you're month is up, Liv and I might not be ready to go back to work. I love being with you, I'm just worried about being by myself. I guess it's something to talk to Gina about tomorrow"

"Do you think you'll be okay by yourself?"

"You don't think I will do you, you don't think I'm strong enough" I say, my mind working overtime to understand what she says

"You are strong. I'm just asking what you think, Alex? Do you think you'll be okay, only you can tell yourself if you will or not"

"Sorry" I say, I hate the doubts that I still have, and the thoughts that other people don't see me like I want to be seen "I was just thinking you know"

"We'll discuss it again when the time is right, I can always take more time if you need me to"

"But would you want to, Liv?" I ask, I'd hate her to give up my job "I've got to be by myself at some point, you popping to the coffee shop for breakfast is a lot different than being on my own all day"

"I want whatever you need, okay? If you'd want me to stay for longer, I would. If you think you'd be okay, then I'd go back to work, it's entirely up to you"

I sigh "We'll see. I'd like to go to my appointment by myself tomorrow. I'll text you when I get there, and I'll call when I'm finished"

"Okay, if you want that"

"I want to try. I'll call you if I need you at any time"

She's still tracing the scars along my arm, she hasn't stopped.

"Ask me" I say

"Huh? Ask you what?" she says, raising an eyebrow

"Ask me what you're thinking? You haven't stopped touching them since we sat down"

She stops and moves her hand away, "Sorry. I didn't mean…"

I stop her with a kiss and when I pull away I say, "It's fine, I liked it. But I know you want to know about them"

"Would you tell me if I asked? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or upset"

"What do you want to know? I'll answer what I can"

"Okay" she says and sighs, "Can you remember what made you do them?"

"You mean specifics, I can't remember them all"

I adjust myself so I'm sitting right beside her, I'm ready for this, at this moment, I want to tell her.

"This one" I say, pointing a thin white line just below my elbow "Was when Mother told me that Daddy would be disappointed that I wasn't following the dreams he had for me", I remember that conversation like it was yesterday

_"Hey Mom. I've got some news to share with you" I said into the phone receiver_

_"What news, Alexandra?"_

_"I've been given a permanent position at work"_

_"Good for you. What's your position?"_

_"I'm the ADA working with SVU"_

_"ADA? Alexandra, what happened to the big dreams?"_

_"In order to reach the top, you have to start at the bottom Mother"_

_"But you have more potential and Sex Crimes, isn't that a bit low for you"_

_"No, it's actually a very rewarding job Mother. I get to put rapists and abusers away for a long time, it satisfies me, and I'm enjoying it"_

_"Daddy would be so disappointed in you, Alexandra. His little girl being just an ADA"_

_"He'd be proud. Why can't you be happy for me?"_

_"The money would be so much better with your own firm Alexandra"_

_"It's not about Money, Mother. Money isn't happiness"_

I sigh, remembering that conversation brings me heaviness in my heart. "Your Father would be proud Alex, I know he would"

"Mmm" I say, and then rub my hand over another on the other arm, "This was the first case I lost"

"Thank you for telling me this Alex. I didn't like to ask"

"I think telling you eases the pain, I've discussed some of them with Gina. Are there any you're curious about?"

"This one" she says rubbing a finger along the thick scar on my chest

I take a deep breath, I had suspected she'd want to know, it's the most serious of them all,

"I tried to kill myself" I say in almost a whisper. I hear her gasp and then she runs her finger along it

"Why?" she says only a little louder than I've just spoken, her tone curious but I can also sense she's trying not to cry and I can feel the tears in my own eyes

"Life" I say, "It was everything and nothing at the same time" I say letting the tears go, I try and hold back a sob but it comes anyway. She looks at me, directly in the eyes, and then pulls me close

"You don't need to tell me if it's too hard right now"

"No, I will. I'd just graduated from Harvard, but I didn't do as well as I was expected to, and-and when I went h-home my Mother had thrown me a party" I say, wiping the tears away before continuing, "Everyone was asking me how well I'd graduated, without waiting for me to answer, they all assumed I'd passed with an excellent percentage but it was moderate. It made feel like I'd failed, they'd all just expected the best and I didn't want to let them down, but my Mother read my results and was really disappointed, the only person who didn't tell me I could have done better was my Uncle Bill"

"That night I just felt like I'd failed in everything, so I took my pocket knife and tried to get myself in the h-heart, but it wasn't deep enough. M-my best friend f-found me, called an ambulance but when I woke up in hospital there wasn't…" I gasp for air and try to steady my breathing through the tears "There wasn't anyone there. I had to see a counsellor but when I returned home my Mother wouldn't even look at me. I said goodbye and left for New York, without talking to a counsellor. I cut two times after that both after conversations with my Mother"

"Oh, Alex" she whispers, stroking my hair "I wish you'd had someone. That you'd seen that counsellor then"

"I know, it was stupid really. I don't know, if I had have seen someone I don't know if I'd have cut again after all those years"

"No point dwelling on the things you didn't do, you're getting help now. That is all you can do" she says

I sigh, and close my eyes, after all that talking and crying, I'm feeling rather sleepy. I snuggle closer to Olivia, "I'm really tired now" I say

"I know. You sleep, Goodnight My Everything"

"Night Liv. Love you" I mumble

**Okay, so that was a big step for Alex. There's some good old fashioned romance in the next chapter. Reviews really would be appreciated.**


	26. Chapter 25

**Olivia's POV**

"Good Morning Beautiful" I whisper as Alex begins to stir beside me. I had been watching her sleep for around half an hour, she looks like an angel when she sleeps, her hair falling around her face as it's spread on the pillow. Her breathing slow but steady.

"Mmm. Liv?" she mumbles, her eyes still closed

"Yeah, it's me" I whisper and she opens her eyes slowly "Hi"

"Mmm. Hi" she says, her voice thick with sleep "What time is it?" she says

"Twenty to Nine" I say

Alex moves quickly, wiping the sleep from her eyes, and stretching "Why didn't you wake me? My appointment is at 10 Liv?"

She gets up and rushes into the bathroom, two minutes later I hear her retch and a loud crash. What the hell was that? I wonder and rush to the bathroom, she's sitting on the floor heaving and the contents of the basket that sat on the windowsill are sprawled across the floor.

I kneel beside her as she continues to heave, her breathing is fast and heavy, I rub her back "Calm down, Breathe with me, in and out"

She takes a breath and tries to mimic my breathing, after a few breaths she looks at me "Sorry" she whispers

"What for?" I say, "You okay?"

"Yeah" she says and sighs heavily "Just my reflection makes me nauseous" she says and I nod, she's told me before that when she sees her reflection it makes her feel sick, and I know that's something she's trying to overcome, wearing pyjamas that showed all her scars. "Sorry about the mess"

"It's fine. Are you going to shower?" I say, gathering the items and placing them back in the basket

"Yeah" she says nodding

"Okay, I'll leave you to it. I'll have mine once you've gone, okay?"

"Fine. I'm just going to grab some clothes first"

I help Alex to her feet and she goes to the closet, taking a pair of dark jeans, and a turtle neck sweater, she then pulls a pair of black briefs and matching bra from the drawer. I sit on the bed, and watch. This woman is strong, she's brave and I am so proud to call her my girlfriend. I smile thinking about the dinner I have planned for later, I want to do something special for her, so I've organised for a chef from her favourite restaurant to make her favourite dish and he'll deliver it around half past 11, I've arranged to have flowers delivered to the counselling office, which she'll receive at when she's finished the session. I've got candles and light music to burn and be playing while we eat, and I've brought a new dress for myself to wear. I'm going to treat her like a queen, because she deserves it.

Alex leans in to kiss my cheek and then disappears into the bathroom. I make coffee and put some toast in the toaster.

I hear the hairdryer going and half an hour after she went in, she emerge from the bathroom, her hair is naturally curled as it falls across her shoulders, she's wearing a simple outfit but looks absolutely perfect. I know she doesn't believe that she's beautiful but she is, it's a natural beauty, without make-up she looks like an angel. I try not stare but it's impossible

"What?" she says, smiling, and leaning by the door

"What's what?" she asks, smiling

"You're staring" she says laughing, and comes closer, "Or should I say Ogling"

This makes me laugh as I remember that day in the precinct, "You're beautiful" I say and she leans forward and plants a gentle kiss on my lips, I attempt to deepen it, but she pulls away

"Is that coffee mine?" she says

I nod and lean in to kiss her again but she turns her head and picks up the coffee.

"What's wrong?" I ask

"Nothing" she says sipping the coffee, she pulls it back and sighs, "I want to be more intimate with you, Liv, but I don't know if I'm ready. I feel myself wanting you, and my body wants you, but I can't even look at myself without being sick, I'm trying, I really am, but I don't want to start things I can't finish"

"We were just kissing" I say and she sighs

"I know. It's nice but I know you want more and I want more, I just can't give it and I don't want us to get too far and then I back out"

I nod, understand what she means, she downs the coffee, and kisses me on the cheek.

"I'll be back soon" she says

"Remember to call or text, I'm here" I say and she nods and kisses me on the other cheek.

"I love you Liv" she whispers

"Love you too My Everything" I say and she leaves the apartment. I sigh, needing a shower and I hav got to get busy with the preps for later.

**Alex's POV**

I'm sitting across from Gina, we've been discussing random things, which we do every week, Gina says it's to relax me before we get to the heavy stuff.

"How did it go with your Mother Alex?" Gina asks

I sigh, and take a deep breath "Not good" I say, feeling the tears already forming, I take a tissue from the box. I am determined not to cry today.

"Talk me through it" she says

"Well the first thing my Mother said was that I eat too much. And then I introduced Olivia, just as Olivia, and Mother was like "who is she" so I said "my girlfriend" and walked into the house, then my Mother asked if I was joking and I told her I wasn't. I told her how her putting me down made me feel and about the self harming and she told me I was crazy and that she didn't have a daughter" I say, I'm trying my hardest not to cry.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I thought it would upset me, it did to begin with but then we went to my Father's grave, Me and Olivia, and I knew he'd be happy for me. My Mother hasn't tried calling me, and I'm glad"

It's true, I do feel better after telling her, and the fact that she didn't really care, shows me that I don't need her in my life. I have Olivia.

"How are things with you and Olivia?"

"Good. We're talking openly, and sharing things. I wore shorts and a cami to bed last night, and I slept in the same bed as Olivia. She just held me, and we talked about the scars"

"How is that? Seeing them?"

"Hard, I was nearly sick this morning when I went to take a shower, but it's getting easier"

"That's good. Do you think you could try letting Olivia see you completely naked?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid to kiss her sometimes because it gets heated and I know we both want more, but the fear of her seeing me naked scares me a little"

"Do you think you'd feel comfortable if you saw her naked?"

"Um" I can't believe we're discussing this. Of course I want to see Olivia naked, she's beautiful but I'm still apprehensive of my own body "Yes, but I don't think I could let her see me yet, it's a bit too big a step"

"Okay. I want you to try and do something, and take as long as you want or need about it. We discussed work on Monday a little, and you said you felt nervous about working with Casey when you go back to work. I think you should discuss with Olivia about telling people about everything, not in detail, but explain a little, and see how you feel about it. I also want you to go and meet Casey, you don't have to tell her about anything, but maybe meeting her, get to know her a little, take Olivia, could you try and do that?"

"I think so, meeting Casey I mean, but I don't know about telling the guys"

"Think about it, talk to Olivia, it doesn't need to be done yet, but work up to it"

I nod and she say's "Well I think we're coming to the end of today"

As Gina opens the door there's a man holding a huge bouquet of tulips, there are red tulips and multi-coloured tulips.

"Delivery for Alex Cabot" he says smiling and I take the flowers. Who are they from? I wonder, and when I see the card I smile. I'd recognise Liv's writing anywhere.

I read the card, it says "The variegated ones mean "you have beautiful eyes" and the red ones are asking you to "believe me". I love you Alex. Relax, there's a car waiting for you downstairs", the tears come quick, but they're happy tears.

"They're beautiful Alex. From Olivia?" she asks, I nod and show her the card, she pats me on the shoulder, "You better get downstairs then. See you at 10 on Monday"

I walk down the steps, and there's a town car waiting just as Olivia had said, there's a young man waiting by the back door, he opens the door and takes the flowers, putting them on the back seat, he then takes my hand as I get in the car.

I notice there's a box on the seat beside me and a piece of paper, folded on top.

The driver gets in and says, "For you" nodding in direction of the box. I take the note and unfold it, it's from Olivia

"You're my everything, without you I'm nothing. If I could be anything I would be your tear, so I could be born in your eye, live down your cheek and die on your lips"

I'm crying openly now, and my hands are shaking, I pick up the box, it's a simple square box with a light blue ribbon, as I open it, I gasp and the tears come heavier, there's a gold chain and dangling from the bottom is a heart pendant, in the centre is a small heart shaped diamond, I run my fingers along the heart and as I turn it over, I feel like I'm suffocating, engraved on the back are two words, "My Everything". I put it around my neck, still fingering the heart, running my finger over the engraved words.

When we turn into the street where Olivia's apartment is, my heart is beating a thousand beats a minute, I wonder what else Olivia has planned.

The driver takes my hand as I leave the car, taking the now empty box, and flowers. The note and card are tucked into my jeans pocket.

I thank the driver and make my way to the lift. I ride the lift, apprehensive and excited. When I exit, I approach the door, I knock once.

I gasp as Olivia opens the door, she's wearing a simple navy dress that ends just above the knees, her hair tied back loosely, she's absolutely perfect. There are still tears falling down my face, and Olivia wipes them away with a thumb, planting a kiss on my lips.

She leads me inside and I gasp, I can hear music playing softly,

I can feel the magic floating in the air  
Being with you gets me that way  
I watch the sunlight dance across your face  
And I've never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze  
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms  
The whole world just fades away  
The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart

I've never heard this song, but it's beautiful "It's called "Breathe" By Faith Hill" Olivia whispers, there are candles on the kitchen counter, and a large heart shaped candle on the table.

I take off my jacket and Olivia takes it from me, she hangs it on a coat hook, and pulls out a chair for me, I sit, and she takes me hand, kisses my knuckles, she touches the necklace I now have round my neck, "Do you like it?" she asks

I nod, "I love it. I love you" I say, my voice catching in my throat through the tears

She opens the oven door and takes out two plates, placing them on the table, she says, "Tonnarelli a Cacio e Pepe"

I gasp, that is my favourite dish at Maialino, which is my all time favourite Italian restaurant, but wait, did Olivia cook this? I mean, I know she can cook, but this looks awfully good, and it's all ready.

As if sensing my thoughts Olivia says, "I called Maialino and spoke to the owner, and he got the chef to make this, he dropped it off about 10 minutes ago"

I start crying again, and Olivia embraces me in a tight hug. "We better eat" she whispers and I let her sit opposite me, she pours me some wine and I take a sip, then I eye the food and begin to eat

"Mmm" she says, "I can see why you like it?"

Hearing her moan stirs the excitement in my stomach, I can feel it dragging lower. But I continue to eat, trying to ignore it.

When we are finished, Olivia takes me hand and leads me to the couch, she sits, and motions for me to join her which I happily do, I sit between her legs and picks up the remote, muting the music before kissing my neck, she nibbles on my ear lobe and can't help but let out a gentle moan, it feels so good.

She presses the play button on the DVD remote, "What are we watching?" I ask,

"Little Manhattan" she says smiling, I turn to face her and she captures my lips, it starts gentle, and I deepen it, her lips part and we start a battle of tongues, swirling around one another and gliding together, she bites my lower lip gently, and I moan into the kiss, I feel her hands roam under my top, and I allow the touch. Our lips part, and she begins trailing kisses along my jaw line, and neck, I moan, tilting my head back. I tug at the bottom of her dress, my hands sliding up her thigh, just then she stops,

"We better watch the movie" she says, and I sigh, turning around, I let a tear trickle down my cheeks. I had wanted this, but I wasn't sure Olivia did, my heart was pounding and my head was spinning. I was confused and bewildered, and little flustered. I tried to hold back the sob but it escaped my lips before I could address it.

"Hey" she whispers "What's up sweet cheeks?"

I shake my head, unable to answer, I'm not even sure why I'm crying, is it the fear of letting Olivia see me, is it the fear of the first time with a girl, is that I wanted to continue, I really have no idea.

"Hey" she says as she wipes the tears and pulls me into a tight hug. After a few minutes I'm able to calm myself

"I don't know Liv" I say, quietly, "I felt something, I wanted to go further, but the fear is still there, and you pulled away and I thought maybe you didn't want to either"

"Don't cry sweetheart, I did want to. But I didn't know if you were really ready. I didn't want to push you too far without us talking about it first, after this morning"

I nod and say "We'll talk about it soon. Let's watch the move".

I didn't want anything to ruin the date that Olivia had set up, it had been perfect, and made me feel loved and wanted, it was special.

**I'm not sure if this was cheesy or romantic, but I quite like it. Romance isn't dead yet guys, there are some people who now how to treat the ones they love. Reviews are very welcome **


	27. Chapter 26

**Thank you for the reviews guys. I'm expecting to have a few more chapters and an epilogue, I'm back to work tomorrow so am going to be really busy, but I'll try and get them done and added.**

**Alex's POV**

It's been a week since that date, things have been going well, yesterday I sneaked in to the bathroom while Liv was taking a shower, I was still wearing my pyjamas but I got in behind her and I helped her shower, it was the next step naturally for me. We also had our first argument a couple of days ago, because I wanted to get some things from work, and I'd be thinking about going home. I wanted something to do, and as much as I love spending time with Olivia, I think moving in permanently would be a too big a step when we've only been in a relationship for 2 weeks and it wasn't the most natural of beginnings. Olivia had been angry at herself for moving too quick, I had been angry at myself for dragging her into my mess, she had been angry at me for not discussing it with her, although I had hoped that was what we were going to do, and I was angry at her for worrying about me too much. After we'd calmed down, her crying, and me crying, she'd apologised and I'd apologised, we'd discussed my fears, her fears and come to the conclusion that we'd discuss it again in a week. We'd also discussed how we would know when we were ready to make the next step in our relationship, I had promised to tell Olivia when I thought I was ready, and in turn she had promised that she'd still kiss me and let me take the pace.

Now we are in Olivia's car, driving to the District Attorney Office, to meet Casey. I'm nervous but I know meeting with the guys later will be harder, Olivia had phone Elliot and asked him whether they would all be free in the afternoon, he'd said that they would unless any new cases came up. I was silently hoping that something would so that I could get out of it, but so far Elliot hadn't called to cancel. I do want to tell them, and I think once I do, a weight would be lifted, but that doesn't stop me from being nervous.

As for meeting Casey, I wasn't planning on telling her, but at the same time, I feel bad that I'll tell the guys and she won't know, I don't want them to let it slip accidentally. That would make me more embarrassed, so although Olivia doesn't know, I'm going to tell her.

We arrive at the One Hogan Place, and walk quietly inside, the security guard, front desk clerk, and a few cleaners say Hello to us, telling me they've missed me shouting at them and the spilt coffee they've had to clean. It makes me feel more relaxed, as we approach my office. I notice my name is still on the door, although now alongside it reads ADA Casey Novak.

I knock on the door, Olivia gives my hand a squeeze and mouths "You okay?", I nod as a voice calls "Come in"

Olivia pushes the door open, Casey is sitting behind my desk, a cup of coffee on the side, with her legs up on the desk. As she looks up, she puts her legs down

"You must be Alexandra" she says extending her hand, "Casey Novak". Casey has shoulder length red hair, and deep green eyes, she's wearing a white button down blouse and a black skirt, she looks smart, professional, but seems a little forward

I nervously shake it, and say "Call me Alex. This is Detective Olivia Benson"

"Hi Casey" Olivia says and Casey flicks her hand to the couch

"The famous Benson. Take a seat" she says, "It's great to finally meet you both"

"I'm not at all famous. How are you settling in?" Olivia asks

"Pretty well Thanks" she says, smiling, "The guys have been keeping me on my toes. Stabler seems to be missing you, his moods are considerably snappy and I don't think he likes me much. Fin seems a decent guy, and Munch is a little weird to make out sometimes, but we seem to make a pretty strong team"

"Elliot's always moody. He takes his time warming up to people. It took him a while to trust Alex, as well" Olivia says

"You've set the bar high Alex" Casey says to me, "It will be fun working with you"

"I don't do fun, Casey" I say, allowing a small smile, although this statement is pretty accurate

"Well, we'll change that. The things I've seen, we all need to let our hair down a bit"

"True. I think that's why the guys like try and get us to go out" Olivia says, looking at me

"Talking about going out. Would you like to join us later for a drinks, we're meeting the guys this afternoon" I ask, getting straight to the point, I notice Olivia looking at me, and Casey notices too

"Are you sure?" she asks, "I wouldn't like to impose"

"You wouldn't. I've actually got some things to talk to you all about, so it would save me repeating it twice if you're there" I say

"Okay. What time?" she asks

"About 4ish" Olivia says

"Great. I've got quite a bit to catch up on, so I'll see you later, yeah?" Casey says, smiling.

We say goodbye and while we are in the elevator Olivia turns to me, "So, you're going to tell Casey, or was inviting her only a way of not telling the guys later?"

I can't believe she's asked me that, actually I can, "I'm telling them all, like I said back there, I've got things to talk about"

She nods and takes my hand as we exit the elevator. I hope this is as easy as I want to be, though that luck ran out when I decided to tell them.

**Olivia's POV**

We're sitting in the bar opposite the 1-6. I know Alex is nervous, and I am too, mainly because I'm nervous for her and because I know the guys can be jerks sometimes, and I want them to take this seriously. When I called Elliot to arrange this, he was bugging me to tell him what was going on with Alex and I, and why Alex was off sick. I know he worries, but he's also incredibly nosey when it comes to my private life, he's my best friend though, so although I don't mind, it's not my place to tell him and that infuriates us both. I've ordered a pint and Alex has a small glass of wine, just some liquid courage for us both.

I look up and see El, Fin and Munch enter the diner. Elliot looks around and gives a wave when he sees us. I look at Fin, who looks worried, and Munch is just being Munch.

"Hey Liv" Elliot says giving me a quick hug, and nods in Alex's direction "Hey Alex. How are you?"

"Hey Elliot" she says returning the nod but ignoring the question

"Baby girls, we missed you" Fin says enthusiastically, I notice Alex smile

"Alright Tutuola" she says, as he gives her a playful tap on the arm

"Hey Fin" I say and turn to Munch

"Liv, Alex" he says, "Do you ladies know that the fastest growing nail is on the middle finger. And the nail on the middle finger of your dominant hand will grow the fastest of all? Why is not entirely known, but nail growth is related to the length of the finger, with the longest fingers growing nails the fastest and shortest the slowest"

I laugh, that's Munch, if it's not conspiracy theories then it's random facts about anything and everything.

I glance at Alex who's found a piece of thread on her sweatshirt that seems to be very interesting. I rub her shoulder and take her hand.

"Something you ladies want to share? What's been going on, first we here that Alex is sick and then that you're taking some time to look after her" Fin says

Just then I notice Casey enter, as does Elliot, "Hey it's Novak" he exclaims, "What's she doing here?"

"I invited her" Alex says, "Hey Casey"

"Hi guys. Thanks for inviting me Alex. Hey Olivia" Casey says, sitting beside Fin opposite Elliot.

"The ladies had something they were going to share" Fin says, turning his attention back to me

"Well, we thought we'd tell you first" I say, I look at Alex and she nods, I needed her permission

"We're sort of seeing each other" I say

"I knew it!" Elliot exclaims giving me a shove

"You're gay, Liv?" Fin asks, "And you Alex?"

"Well, we weren't" Alex says "But it's sort of only for Olivia thing", I start laughing, and I relax, Alex seems to have found a confidence.

"Yeah. That sounds about right" I say, playfully nudging her shoulder, she leans over and kisses my cheek

"Oh this is gonna be hot" Munch exclaims and Alex laughs

"Must you Munch?" she says

"So what's the deal with work Alex" Elliot asks, and I glare at him, but I know it's not really his fault. I notice Alex is trembling

"Yeah, when you coming back to kick our ass?" Fin asks

This earns a smile from Alex and I squeeze her hand.

"Soon I hope" she says, "I know I owe you an explanation but not right now" she says

I had a feeling she might back out, "I'm just popping to the loo" I say, taking her hand as Elliot stand up, Alex follows me albeit reluctantly.

Once we're in the bathroom and I check it's empty I ask "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I want to tell them Liv, but how do I say it, I'm a nut case and I cut myself?"

"You're not a nutcase Alex. How about you say you've been feeling down and have been given anti-depressants and that you're getting counselling?" I say "You don't need to tell them anything else"

She nods and says "I guess. I just sort of had a mind freak out back there"

"I know. It's not easy but I'm here. And they'll be supportive, I know they will"

We head back to the table, and the guys have ordered drinks and I call to man behind the bar, "Another pint and white wine please", He nods as we sit back down.

"Okay. Sorry I shut you down like that, Fin" Alex says as the waiter puts the drinks on the table. Alex downs the wine and Munch exclaims "Damn this must good"

"Munch!" I exclaim and glare at him, I put my arm around Alex and she takes a deep breath

"I'm taking anti-depressants and having counselling. I've been cutting since I was 13" she says hurriedly, I'm shocked that she mentioned the self harming but at least we've got it out of the way

"I'm sorry Alex" Munch says

"You know we're here if you need us" Fin adds

Elliot is quiet, as is Casey, and I'm not sure what they are thinking. The discussion turns to work and the cases that they've been working on, and I'm sure that Alex is welcome the change in topic.

I get up to get some snacks and only notice Casey following me when she sits on the stool beside me,

"How's she doing?" she asks nodding in Alex's direction, I turn and smile, Alex is laughing along with Elliot while Munch is glaring at them

"She's doing okay" I tell Casey, I really don't want to get into it, with someone I've only just met

"Well, you know if you ever need someone to talk to, you or Alex, I'm happy to lend my ear. You both seem like lovely people, I know I've just met you and that, but I've heard so many good things about you Olivia, and the story around the office is that Alex is one of the best ADA's they've seen. I was quite nervous to be filling in for her, and sharing the workload with her when she returns"

"That's really kind of you, Casey" I say, this woman is really sweet. "Yeah, Alex is pretty remarkable, I wish she'd believe it though, you know she struggles when losing a case, she blames herself quite heavily"

"Well, I think she's pretty nice. She shouldn't be so hard on herself" Casey says, and I nod, and turn back to sit at the table.

**Well what're you thinking? **


	28. Chapter 27

**This is the last chapter before the epilogue. Thank you all for your support. **

**Casey's POV**

I called Alex this morning, it's been just over 2 weeks since we met, and since Alex told me and the guys about the self harming. I had wanted to call sooner, but I knew that she'd need some time to come to terms with the fact that people now knew. So, I called her, and I asked her if she fancied meeting with me. Now, I'm sitting in the diner waiting for her.

I'm musing about work, when the door opens and Alex comes in. I don't know how she sees herself as being not beautiful, but I understand it. I was the same, about 4 years go. Alex is older than me, and I know she's been doing it for a lot longer than I did, but I do understand. I still have the scars.

"Alex" I call and she looks over to wear I am sitting, she smiles and comes over, she looks a light brighter and more confident than the last time I saw her

"Hey Casey. It was nice of you to think of me" She says and I smile

"No problem. How've you been?" I ask

"Good, actually. Yeah, I'm getting there slowly" she says, and I can't tell if she's genuinely telling the truth, she does look a lot happier but I know that sometimes it's just a front as to not worry others or have to talk about it.

"Are you hungry?" I ask, suddenly feeling pretty peckish myself.

"Yeah, I could eat lunch" she says as the waitress approaches the table

"Are you ladies ready to order?" the waitress asks and I look to Alex

"Ham Roll and a coffee" she orders

"Same for me" I say.

The waitress leaves and Alex asks, "How's work? Are the guys keeping you on your toes?"

I laugh and nod, "Yeah, it's busy. They're great detectives, they just like to have things simple. Olivia's back today isn't she?"

"Yeah I know what you mean. They try and get you to get a warrant with little back up evidence, and they don't always follow the rules that well. But I'm sure with Liv back, they're gonna notice"

"How are things with you and Olivia?" I ask

"They're good, she's so good to me, sometimes I feel bad but I know she does it out of kindness and love. I love her so much, I don't know what I'd be doing if I hadn't found her" Alex says, you can see the love for Olivia in her eyes, they sparkle when she talks about her.

"Aww" I say, as the waitress brings over the food "Thanks"

"So, was there a reason you invited me to lunch, did Olivia put you up to it, I know she was worried about leaving me, but we've been spending some time apart this last week to get ready for today"

"No, no, I didn't talk to Olivia about this. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to tell you that you can talk to me, lean on me when things get tough. I want us to work well together and I know you're scheduled back for next week, and I just wanted to tell you that if you find things hard or just need someone, I'm there. I know what you're going through" I say, slightly hurriedly, I'm actually quite nervous about telling Alex, but I want to be there for her, I'd like her friendship.

"That's really lovely of you, Casey. What do you mean, you know what I'm going through though?" she asked

I take a deep breath, and roll up my sleeve, there are about a dozen or so faint scars along my wrist. Alex gasps when she sees them and then smiles sadly, "Do you still do it?" she asks and I shake my head, "No, these are about 4 years old. So I do understand, I cut for 3 years on and off, and then decided I needed help so I checked myself into a facility, and got counselling and therapy, and it changed my life. When I got better, I got the job in white collar crime"

"You were so brave to do that by yourself, Casey. You give me strength" Alex says, this makes me teary and I bring her into a hug, "Thank you" I whisper

"No, Thank you Casey. We'll prop each other up" she says, releasing the hug

"How are you really, Alex?" I ask "How are you managing?"

"I'm good. I haven't cut for about 4 weeks, so I'm good, I'm still seeing the counsellor, and still on anti-depressants" Alex tells me.

We eat our rolls and drink our coffee, talking about random things, Alex is pretty smart, and has an opinion on everything, I know I'm going to enjoy working with her. I have to get back to work, so I hug her goodbye and we walk in opposite directions.

**Olivia's POV**

It's been a busy day at work, but I am able to get home by 7pm, which is a bonus for me. I open the front door and call out, "Alex, I'm home baby"

"I'm in the bedroom" she calls and I smile

As I approach the bedroom door, Alex is lying on the bed in her underwear, a seductive yet shy look on her face, she is so beautiful. My mouth drops open, "Hey" she says smiling

"Hi" I whisper

"Care to join me Olivia?" she asks

"Certainly" I reply, unbuttoning my shirt, I slip it over my shoulders and approach the bed, Alex pulls me down and our lips meeting in a hungry and ready kiss. She reaches for my pant button, undoing it before pulling them over my hips, she kisses my stomach, my navel. Holding my hips she pulls me forward.

"Are you sure?" I ask, wanting to be certain she was ready

"Never been more sure of anything" she whispers, pulling me towards her, I climb atop her, straddling her waist, and bring my lips to hers, all the while my hands exploring her chest, back and hips. Tonight's gonna be special. Tonight is the night we make love for the first time. I'm incredibly nervous as I know is Alex, but we're in this together, and I can't wait.

**I'm not going to do the sex scene. I tried writing one but I wasn't entirely happy with it, and it feels a bit creepy for Alex or Olivia to describe it from their point of view. Epilogue is next. **


	29. Epilogue

**This is the Epilogue. Thank you to all that read, and followed, to all that reviewed. **

**Epilogue**

**Alex's POV**

It's been a long journey. There have been ups and downs, and it hasn't been easy, far from it. But I've gotten through with the help of Olivia, and I am still seeing a counsellor, although only twice a month. I came off my anti-depressants three weeks ago after a gradual weaning process. I'm doing good, work is going well, Casey is such a laugh and in all my seriousness it's quite refreshing to joke about during lunch or in the office.

We're sharing the case load, and I have Casey to back me up when things go wrong, I am finding it easier to control the way a case makes me feel and Casey is great at noticing when things are getting to me.

My mother has phoned a few times and a couple of weeks ago we met up, she's softened a little to Olivia, and has acknowledged how hard it's been for me. She generally seemed sorry and has been attended counselling herself. I'm a little surprised to be honest, it's not something I ever thought I'd see my Mother do but she has said, she wants to understand me and wants to be there for me. She has said that she'll stand by me if I marry Olivia, which is great because I'm going to propose, today.

I have it all planned, I have for a couple of weeks now. The ring is a simple gold band, with 2 diamonds encrusted into it. I'm really excited. Olivia shall be home soon. I have attempted to cook dinner, and I'm waiting for her to arrive.

I hear a key in the lock, and the door opens as I am leaning against the kitchen unit, watching. Olivia chucks her purse onto the couch and draws a long sigh, "It's been the worst day ever!" she exclaims. I smile, Olivia is so hot when she gets flustered and annoyed.

"Well, hopefully I can make it better" I say, handing her a glass of wine

She takes a sip and puts the glass on the unit, pulling me in for a kiss. I smile into it and let her take the lead for a few seconds, before I pull away.

I'm really nervous, but if I can get through dinner, it will be okay.

"I cooked dinner" I say and then laugh at the look on Olivia's face "It's not going to kill you, Liv"

"You cooked dinner" she said raising an eyebrow, usually when I'm home first, we order take-out but tonight is special.

"Yes. Don't look so surprised. I'm not that bad" I say, pulling in for another kiss.

I pull her towards the table, and pull out a chair, "Sit" I command

I take out the chicken that I've cooked with vegetables from the oven, and begin dishing it up. I can feel Olivia watching me.

I bring the plates over to the table and she smiles, "Looks delicious" she says

"It does, doesn't it?" I say trying to act shocked and she laughs.

We talk about our day, Olivia has had a tough case to deal with, 4 women have been murdered in as many months and the killer leaves subtle clues at each crime scene, but whenever the team catch on to where he is, he disappears again.

"So what is dinner in aid of?" she asks, and my hands feel sweaty and I feel nervous again.

"Liv, I love you so much" I start, "You've been my rock, and I know I never made it easy for you. I've had to change my way of thinking and I am pleased that you were by my side, because I don't think I could have done it without you. You're my light, my guide, my love and there is no-one that makes me feel the way you do, there never has been and there shall never be. Because, you Olivia, are one in a million and I want to be with you forever"

I take a deep breath and kneel in front of her, I take the small box from my pocket and when I open it, Olivia gasps, "Olivia Benson, Will you make me even happier, and become my wife?" I finish, wiping a stray tear that has escaped my lips

Olivia takes my hands, and pulls me up to her, placing her hands on my cheeks, she kisses me hard  
"Yes, yes, yes. I love you, my everything" she says, I can see her fighting back the tears, but she is unsuccessful and they begin to fall. I place the ring on her finger and kiss it, before returning my lips to hers.

I cannot believe it. I'm engaged to the most amazing woman ever, and I will do everything I can to make her happy.

**Thank you again!**


End file.
